


(My Heart) Pierced By a Pin

by neilstriker



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Exy (All For The Game), Alternate Universe - Small Town, Angst, Anorexia, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Moriyamas - Freeform, References to Depression, Slow Burn, allison and neil friendship, depressed andrew, nathan was still in the mafia tho, neil has an eating disorder, read the trigger warnings before each chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25596520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neilstriker/pseuds/neilstriker
Summary: Neil Josten has a life and a future. With his father dead, and a new identity approved by the FBI, he starts a life for himself in the small town of Palmetto. No longer running, Neil is forced to deal with his trauma. All the while, his interest in one Andrew Minyard is piqued.OrNeil has anorexia nervosa and PTSD and Andrew has major depressive disorder, but they help each other heal (and fall for each other on the way).
Relationships: Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 69
Kudos: 352





	1. Recreation

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in the fandom, which I'm really excited about!
> 
> FYI, this is very heavy on mental health, so make sure you read the tags and the trigger warnings I'll leave here before each chapter. There's going to be lots of introspection about eating disorders specifically, since I personally struggle with an ED, and a lot of this was taken from experience and is quite graphic. For me, writing this was cathartic, but if reading about an ED in detail is in any way triggering for you, do not read this or please be careful reading this.
> 
> This chapter is fairly light, but TW mentions of anorexia. Enjoy!

Neil inhaled a deep breath that burned his throat. He wasn’t happy that Allison had stubbornly demanded he come to the community center tonight. In fact, he was uncharacteristically anxious. After what Neil had gone through in his past, a game night at the community center should be easy. The difference was, now he was legally Neil Josten, thanks to the FBI. There would be no running this time. Neil’s father was dead and he had a job at the smoothie place Allison owned. He had a life here that he could keep. He had Allison, who at this point was his only friend. So, when she made him promise to come to game night, he could hardly say no. Plus, his therapist Betsy told him that having a support system was very helpful in recovery, so making friends in his new town would be beneficial. Neil was wary of Betsy just for the fact that she was a therapist, but even he realized he needed to see someone. Plus, Uncle Stuart had made Neil promise to continue seeing someone, lest his eating disorder get out of control again. Stuart didn’t want to have to worry about him from an ocean away. To avoid Stuart entering his life more than absolutely necessary, Neil chose to compromise with his Uncle and agreed to therapy after he left the treatment center. That was a month ago. In that time, Neil had fallen into a routine that involved going to work, going for daily runs, and forcing himself to log his eating in a journal to discuss with Betsy at his weekly appointments.

Neil didn’t like to admit it, but he was lonely. Without his mother, Neil was lost. WIthout his fear driving him, he was struggling with his mental health more than he ever had in his life. That didn’t go unnoticed to Allison, who saw him at work everyday. That’s why she’d insisted he come out tonight and meet some of her friends. It seemed reasonable at the time, but now that Neil was actually here, he hesitated in the doorway of the main basketball court for too long.

That was enough time for the recreation supervisor David Wymack to walk up and introduce himself. “David Wymack,” he announced, putting a hand out, which Neil took and shook instinctively.

“You must be Neil,” the older man said. Neil nodded, but his brows pulled together in apprehension. Neil didn’t like to be recognized, even if he had nothing to run from anymore. “Allison said I should be expecting you. She’s manning the popcorn machine,” he explained.

“Oh, thanks,” Neil said and briskly headed in the direction. It wasn’t that Neil didn’t like Wymack, it was just that he was an old, white male. Neil got antsy around anyone who could be his father’s age.

“Neil!” Allison called as soon as she saw him. She abandoned whatever conversation she was having with two other women, one with a pixie cut and the other with white hair that became a pastel rainbow at the ends. Allison pulled Neil into a bear hug that Neil had sort of grown comfortable with in the time he’d known her. He felt his lips turn up at the sides.

“Hi Ally,” he mumbled into her shirt. She was already a few inches taller than him normally, but in the heels she was wearing, his head only made it to her chest.

“Oh, baby, I should’ve come over and dressed you,” she said in her typical inconsiderate tone as she pulled back and took a good look at his clothes.

“I look fine,” Neil said defensively. He was just wearing jeans and an oversized T-shirt.

“You’re lucky you’re so naturally beautiful,” she relented, giving his cheek a light pat. “Let’s get you introduced to some of the townies.” Neil swallowed down his nervousness as she led him over to the girls she’d been speaking to.

“Ladies, this is Neil. The one I was telling you about,” Allison announced with a toss of her platinum hair.

“Hello Neil. I’m Renee,” the one with the white hair said with a smile. She seemed nice enough, but Neil felt uneasy looking at her. He nodded to be polite before diverting his gaze. The other woman had a much safer vibe.

“I’m Dan. Nice to meet you,” she said with an unassuming smirk and authority in her voice.

“Dan teaches youth basketball here, and Renee runs the youth group at the church around the corner,” Allison said.

“Oh, cool,” Neil said, because he wasn’t sure what else to say.

“They’re do-gooders. I’m the only one in this town who wants to make a profit, apparently,” Allison said snottily, but somehow coming from her, it landed more as a joke.

“She acts like she doesn’t volunteer here for every event,” Dan said with an eye roll.

“Philanthropy comes easily to me,” Allison replied. “Popcorn?” she offered after a beat of silence.

“I ate at home,” Neil said automatically. Allison didn’t seem to buy that, but she didn’t say anything. Just then, a beast of a man walked up and hooked an arm around Dan. He had to be well over six feet tall, and half as wide. If it weren’t for the goofy smile he wore, Neil might be intimidated.

“Hey,” the man said in greeting. 

“Matt, this is Allison’s friend Neil. Neil, this is my finance Matt,” Dan said cordially.

“Great to meet you,” Matt said warmy.

“You too,” Neil said.

“You play anything yet?” Matt asked the group.

“No, we were just getting acquainted,” Renee said.

“Hey, Neil. You wanna help me beat Aaron and Kevin at Bags?” Matt asked with another effortless smile.

“Who’re Aaron and Kevin?” Neil asked.

“Trust me, you don’t want anything to do with the monsters,” Allison said breezily.

“You may not like them, but you don’t need to call them names,” Renee cut in. Allison shrugged but didn’t take it back.

“There’s Kevin,” Dan pointed out a tall man with black hair focusing intently on the beanbag toss a few feet away. “And Aaron and Andrew are twins, so I think that one’s Aaron. The one standing with Kevin. You can usually tell because Andrew always wears black armbands, but today they’re both in long sleeves,” Dan explained. Aaron was significantly shorter than Kevin, probably an entire foot shorter. His blonde hair contrasted with Kevin’s black hair.

“Aaron normally expresses some semblance of humanity, whereas Andrew is the soulless one,” Allison provided with her usual tactlessness. Renee shook her head, but chose not to say anything.

“Nicky is the twin’s cousin, but he’s working tonight. We jokingly refer to them as ‘the monsters’ because they’re generally difficult and occasionally straight up terrifying.” 

Neil neglected to say that he knew one of the twins, Andrew apparently, because he’d seen him wearing the infamous armbands. Neil had his therapy session with Betsy right before Andrew’s. They saw each other in passing every Wednesday.

“How do you know them?” Neil asked. It seemed like they knew a lot about the group considering they were obviously not on friendly terms with them.

“The twins went to high school with me. Nicky works at the bar in town. He’s actually alright, just a bit… much. Kevin is Wymack’s son,” Matt told Neil.

“Oh,” Neil said, surprised.

“Well, whattdya say?” Matt asked, gesturing to the bean bag toss. Neil nodded.

The pair of them actually weren’t bad, but Kevin had a wicked aim and Aaron wasn't bad either. They four of them played a few rounds before giving the game up and moving to something else. Neil found it surprisingly easy to get along with Matt, and Kevin was okay too, just a bit too competitive for his own good. Aaron was stand-offish, but alright company as well. Matt seemed to get along fine with Aaron but took any chance available to antagonize Kevin. Soon, Neil was struggling not to laugh out loud as Matt critiqued Kevin on his aim at darts, which launched him on a rant about the aerodynamics of dart-throwing.

After being there a few hours, Neil decided to step away for some fresh air. Interacting with so many people in such a short amount of time was beginning to overload his senses. When he got outside, he saw that Andrew was sitting outside on the entrance steps smoking a cigarette. Neil could easily see how Dan confused the two brothers. Obviously they were identical, and since Andrew was wearing a similar long-sleeved shirt as Aaron, except his was black and Aaron’s was gray. Before he could overthink it, Neil sat down on the same step as Andrew, only a few feet between them. Andrew glanced at Neil, so Neil stared back. Andrew’s expression was impressively blank.

“I know you,” Neil said. “You go to Dr.Dobson’s too.” Andrew said nothing, but he turned to face forward and looked out into the parking lot. “I met your brother. And Kevin,” Neil continued after a moment of silence.

“Hm,” Andrew hummed. He finished his cigarette and twisted the butt around on the cement to put it out. “You’re the one Allison adopted.” The way Andrew said it, it wasn’t a question.

“I’m Neil. Allison and I met- Well, we’ve known each other for a little while and she gave me a job,” he explained, carefully not revealing that he’d met Allison at an anorexia treatment center.

“So, what’s wrong with you?” Andrew asked in a monotone. Neil was confused by his forwardness.

“What do you mean? Like why do I go to therapy? Because I could ask the same about you,” Neil said with heat. The audacity left Neil shocked. Andrew turned to look at him and rolled his eyes.

“What’s wrong with you that you befriended Allison?” Andrew clarified. Neil huffed out a laugh at that.

“She can be a bit of a bitch, but she’s alright,” Neil said affectionately. Neither of them said anything for a while, but it was a comfortable kind of silence. After a few minutes, Allison came outside looking for him.

“There you are!” She pointedly glared at Andrew, but didn’t comment on his presence. “I’m heading out. Do you want a ride home?” she asked.

“Sure,” Neil said. The pair began heading out to Allison’s convertible before Neil turned to look back at Andrew.

“See you Wednesday,” he called. Andrew said nothing, but took two fingers to his temple and gave a mock salute to him. Neil repressed a grin that left his chest tight.

When Neil headed up to his apartment that night, he thought back to Matt’s cheerful presence, Dan’s quiet pride, and Kevin’s pig-headedness. But mostly, Neil thought about those moments of quiet he shared with Andrew. Neil couldn’t help but be curious about him. The others made him out to be some psycho, but sitting outside with Andrew was calm in a way Neil hadn’t felt in a long time.

A text from Allison came through before Neil fell asleep.

**We’re going bar hopping next weekend. You’ll be there. No excuses.**

Neil rolled his eyes. Having friends was… sort of nice, he thought.


	2. Could Be Interesting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew and Neil can't seem to avoid each other. Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the response to the first chapter! I appreciate it so much :)
> 
> TW: depressive thoughts (but nothing too bad). 
> 
> Enjoy!

Andrew woke up before dawn and mechanically got showered and dressed for work. His days were fairly uneventful. With Aaron in grad school and Kevin teaching at the community college, Andrew had no more promises to keep. It should’ve felt like a relief. Instead, it felt stifling. Bee had told Andrew to find his own passion years ago, and Andrew scoffed. Andrew didn’t have  _ passion _ . He didn’t want anything. He didn’t need anything or anyone. But he was lying to himself. And Bee knew that. 

Andrew let himself into the bakery cafe and started pulling the leaven’s he’d prepared the day before. Baking wasn’t something Andrew felt particularly passionate about, but it was no secret that he was excellent at it. He figured it was interesting enough to pass the time and it kept his hands busy, so he did it for now. He’d bought the building with the insurance money from Aaron’s mother Tilda’s death. At the time, it was more about the spite of seeing that money go to waste. It was either this building or a new car. Sometimes he regretted not buying a nice car, but in the end it was worth being his own boss. He co-owned the place with Robin Cross, and her parents had invested enough that the pair had made the necessary renovations to the building. 

Robin was the only person Andrew didn’t mind the company of besides Renee. She was quiet and skittish, but she looked up to Andrew and never pushed his boundaries. When Andrew had bad days, Robin would cover for him. When Robin was too anxious to be around people, Andrew would step in for her at the cashier’s counter. They made a good team, truth be told. 

At a quarter to seven when Andrew was nearly finished baking the daily goodies, Robin showed up to set up for their opening. She only smiled in greeting, and the silence was comforting. Andrew helped Robin pull the chairs down and open the blinds. As soon as the blinds were pulled up, Andrew saw the familiar sight of copper hair. Neil went for a run every morning like clockwork. He was dashing down the sidewalk across the street. Andrew tried not to stare, but Neil was nice to look at. That was it. Andrew didn’t look into it much deeper than that. Andrew had spoken to him for the first time a few days ago. Andrew hated to admit it, but Neil had caught his interest. He was a mystery. Even Allison didn’t seem to know much about him, information he’d obtained from Renee during their weekly sparring sessions. All Andrew could gather was that Neil was attractive, despite the scars covering his cheeks. Somehow they didn’t disrupt the angular lines of his face, nor did they dim the electric blue of his eyes. Even in his oversized clothes, Neil was stunning. Andrew wondered how small he really was under his tent-like shirts. Andrew blinked, and watched Neil’s thin legs carry him out of sight from the cafe window. 

The morning was normally quiet. They had a few regulars, including Wymack who had acquired an addiction to Andrew’s danishes. The lunch rush was typical, since they served soups and sandwiches as well. Their eat-in dining room filled up, like it did every day. By two-thirty, the rush had ended and Robin was cleaning while Andrew prepared things for the next day. Three o’clock was closing time. 

Andrew’s days were predictable. The routine helped in some ways, but as soon as he was back home alone, the familiar pressure returned to his chest. Andrew’s apartment was bare, with nothing but a couch, TV, and a bed. He had almost no decorations. It didn’t matter to him, really. He was joyless, directionless. Bee would disagree, but every other shrink he’d seen had told him as much .Sometimes Andrew wondered if Bee really saw the good in him, or if she was just delusional. After sitting still and staring at a blank point on his wall, Andrew glanced at the clock. He should be heading for his session with Bee soon. Andrew sighed, and freshened up before tugging on his armbands and locking the door on his way out. 

The September air felt nice on his walk to Bee’s office. He passed Matt Boyd’s mechanic shop and gazed longingly at the car lifted in the garage. It was a black bugatti. Andrew wondered who in town could afford such a nice vehicle. When Andrew reached the familiar yellow painted brick building, he felt some of the day’s tension lift. Sometimes Andrew was unhappy with how close he’d let himself get to Bee, but she’d yet to disappoint him. He took a seat in the waiting area after sparing the front desk woman a blank glance. She knew him, although he’d never spoken to her. Andrew barely spoke at all anymore. Except to Neil Saturday night, a voice in his head reminded him. 

“Hey,” a voice startled him a moment later. Andrew glanced up, already knowing who it was. He gave Neil an empty stare. “PTSD and anorexia,” Neil said unprompted. Andrew continued his stare, waiting for the other man to explain. “You asked me what was wrong with me. I know this isn’t what you meant, but…” He chewed his lip and shrugged.

“Major depressive disorder and dysthymia,” Andrew said after a beat. His voice sounded gravelly, and Andrew realized it was the first he’d spoken in nearly two days. Neil nodded and turned to leave.

“See you,” he said over his shoulder. Andrew watched the door until Bee called him into her office.

“Come on, Andrew! It’ll be fun! Just like our college days. Even Aaron’s coming,” Nicky complained through Andrew’s phone. Normally, Andrew didn’t mind going out with his cousin. Nicky’s job at Eden’s got them discounts on their drinks, and everyone there knew not to bother him. But today was a particularly bad day. He’d had to pull himself out of bed with every bit of strength he had, and once he got home, the effort of being productive had left him exhausted.

“No,” Andrew decided. Nicky whined on his end of the phone. 

“Andrew!”

“If you know what’s good for you, shut up,” Andrew muttered.

“Well. Okay, but let me know if you change your mind.” Nicky didn’t even try to veil how crestfallen he was. 

Andrew hung up and was itching or a cigarette. He couldn’t afford an apartment with a balcony, so he had to carry his pack downstairs. He leaned against the building and lit the stick between his teeth. With an inhale, he felt the nicotine relax him a little. He felt overwhelmingly numb today, which wasn’t unusual. Maybe he’d go up to the roof later to at least feel a rush of adrenaline. It was ironic, considering how long he’d wished to not feel growing up. Now, he realized this was a different kind of torture. Andrew’s phone buzzed. Roland texted:

**Heard you weren’t coming out tonight. That’s too bad. I could’ve made it worth your while.**

Andrew was tempted, but in the end, it would take too much energy. Andrew didn’t miss being medicated against his will, but sometimes that endless energy had come in handy. Andrew didn’t respond, simply tucking his phone back into his pocket, and lighting another cigarette. The apartment door swung open to Andrew’s left. None other than Neil Josten strutted out. Andrew wondered if this was some sort of cosmic joke. 

“Andrew,” Neil said, surprised. Neil was actually dressed nicely for one. He had a button down shirt that actually fit him. It was navy blue with a subtle floral pattern and he wore dark denim jeans that hugged his tiny legs. The blue emphasized his eyes and hair exceptionally. Andrew assumed Allison must have bought this ensemble for him. 

“You live here,” Andrew stated, tilting his head at the door. Neil nodded.

“You live here too?” Neil asked. Andrew didn’t answer, which Neil took as a yes. “Huh,” he huffed. “Are you going to the bar tonight? I heard Kevin’s going.” Neil’s blue eyes widened as he continued looking at Andrew. He didn’t look at Andrew like everyone else did. He didn’t seem apprehensive or uneasy. He looked at Andrew as an equal. It was too much, so Andrew looked away.

“I’m not his keeper,” Andrew said stiffly. Anymore, he didn’t say. 

“I thought you were friends,” Neil said. 

“I don’t have friends.” 

“Oh. Well, Allison’s picking me up soon. You could come with us,” Neil suggested. Andrew deigned to look at him again. 

“Why would I do that?” Andrew asked. Neil looked sideways at the sky, as if the answer to his question would appear there. 

“Betsy told me that having a social support system might help me,” Neil said slowly. “I’m sure it’s the same for you,” he added. 

“Funny. I didn’t realize you had a psychology degree,” Andrew replied in monotone. 

“I don’t. I just wanted to offer,” Neil said. He looked at his feet. Andrew wanted Neil’s attention back, a notion that scared him a little. So much for the numbness he’d felt earlier. 

“If I went, what’s in it for me?” Andrew asked eventually. Neil’s eyes shot up to him in surprise. 

“Besides the company of your ‘not-friends’?” Neil said smugly. “What do you want?”

“What will you give me?” 

Neil thought for a minute.

“A truth,” Neil decided.

“Why do you think I’d want that?” Andrew asked. 

“I don’t have anything else to give you. If you’re asking for something from me, that’s all I can give you.” Neil narrowed his eyes, as in looking for confirmation for that assumption.

Truthfully, Andrew was curious about Neil. He was interesting. A puzzle looking to be solved. It could be interesting for a while, he decided. 

“Deal,” Andrew said. Neil’s eyes lit up, but he didn’t smile. Just as Andrew was putting out his cigarette, Allison’s car pulled up to the curb. 

“Andrew’s coming too,” Neil announced as he climbed into the backseat, considerably leaving the front for Andrew. Andrew didn’t miss the furious look Allison shot him, but he ignored it pretty easily. Briefly, Andrew wondered why the hell he’d let Neil talk him into this. But as they pulled into the garage at Eden’s Twilight, Andrew couldn’t even remember the reasons he’d said no to going out in the first place.


	3. Eden's Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A truth for a truth? Seems fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for difficulty eating/discussion of anorexia
> 
> Take care and be safe while reading!

Neil stepped into the club on Allison’s heels with Andrew at his back. It was loud and overwhelming, but Neil tried not to let his apprehension show. Allison spotted Renee, Matt, and Dan at a table a few feet away, and pulled Neil by his arm over to them. Matt seemed the most excited to see him, a smile lighting up his face. Neil wondered if Matt was like that with everybody or if he was special for some reason. 

“He brought the monster,” Allison said with a roll of her eyes. Andrew came to rest between Neil and Renee.

“Andrew, I thought you weren’t going to make it tonight,” Renee said. “I’m glad you did.” Andrew shrugged.

“Is my cousin here yet?” Andrew asked.

“He’s by the bar with Kevin,” Dan said, pointing. Andrew followed her direction and slipped off to find them. Everyone at the table, spare Renee, turned their gaze to Neil as soon as Andrew was out of sight. 

“What were you doing with Andrew?” Matt asked. 

“Neil, I swear if you befriend a sociopath-,” Allison began.

“Andrew has never been diagnosed as a sociopath,” Renee corrected her. 

“I’m not his friend. I just saw him and asked him to come. I didn’t want him to spend the night alone,” Neil shrugged. “I thought I was supposed to be reaching out to new people,” Neil said defensively when they continued staring at him wearily.

“You have us now, though. We’re here for you,” Dan said. “Andrew’s not the kind of company I would recommend.” 

“What’d he do to make you hate him so much?” Neil wondered. 

Dan, Allison and Matt looked between each other.

“Andrew is… Andrew is violent and ruthless. He and Aaron’s mother died in a car crash. Aaron was supposedly in the car with her, but actually Andrew had taken his place. Matt was in study group with Aaron when it happened. Aaron was impersonating Andrew, but Matt could tell it wasn’t him,” Dan whispered. Matt nodded. “It’s always seemed very suspicious.” 

“I’m sure he had his reasons, if he did it,” Renee said after a beat. Neil swallowed his surprise. 

“Isn’t murder a sin, or whatever?” Neil questioned her. He’d gotten a weird feeling from Renee the second he’d met her. Justifying a muder didn’t seem very Christianly of her. 

“It is,” she agreed with a solemn nod. Neil was even more confused. 

“Well, either way, he’s destructive. He was in juvie before he moved to my high school. And when he started college, he almost went to prison for beating up these guys who were harassing Nicky. He went so overboard, he almost killed them,” Matt supplied. Neil cocked his head in confusion. 

“Oh. Well, wasn’t he protecting his cousin?” Neil asked.

“Neil, this is no time for your skewed moral compass. We’re supposed to be partying and having fun. Stop justifying assault.” Allison tugged Neil to the bar with her. 

When they were out of earshot of the table, Allison whispered to Neil.

“Did you eat today?” Neil swallowed a lump in his throat.

“I had some fruit this morning and uh… I skipped dinner,” he said with shame. Allison pursed her lips, but nodded. 

“I’ll get you something,” she said. Neil wanted to argue, but he’d started to feel queasy. It wasn’t that he wanted to be thin. In fact, he was self-conscious of his bony frame. For Neil, eating was complicated. It left him feeling off. Having a full stomach made him irrationally uncomfortable. It was odd, considering that he had learned to eat anything he could when he was on the run. Betsy suggested maybe his eating problems were more about control than body image. After some consideration, he figured she was probably right. Food was something he could control. He could restrict and work out, that was something he decided for himself. The rest of his life in comparison was wildly out of his control, especially his childhood. 

“Allison! I heard you were coming out tonight,” a man at the bar called. He had black curly hair, a tan complexion, and white teeth turned up into a Matt-worthy smile. 

“Can it, Hemmick. I don’t have time for your antics. Actually, I do have time. I just don’t want to be annoyed by you tonight.” Allison’s tone was frosty, but she seemed to be teasing.

“You must be the famous Neil I’ve heard all about!” the man said looking past Allison at Neil. He tapped someone next to him, who turned out to be Kevin. From the glossy look in his eyes, Kevin was drunk already.

“Mmm, yeah that’s him,” Kevin said inarticulately. 

“You didn’t say how cute he was,” the man whispered loudly. “I’m Nicky!” he said, directing his attention back to Neil. 

“Hi,” Neil said. “So, you’re Aaron and Andrew’s cousin?” he asked while Allison was busy talking to the bartender.

“You’ve heard of me?” Nicky gasped. “Kevin, Neil’s heard of me!” Kevin hummed drunkenly. 

“Yeah…” Neil said, wondering how he could get out of this conversation. He remembered Matt mentioning that Nicky was a lot, and that obviously hadn’t been an understatement. 

“So, Neil. You single?” Nicky asked. 

“Yes, not that it’s anyone’s business,” Neil bristled. 

“Oh my god, he’s single Kevin!”

“Mhm,” Kevin agreed. 

“You’re too cute to be single. If I wasn’t taken… well, anyway. You’re too cute to be single. I could hook you up with a cute girl,” Nicky suggested with an eyebrow raise and a wink. 

“No thanks,” Neil said, trying for polite. 

“OH, you swing my way then?” Nicky wondered suggestively. 

“I don’t swing at all,” Neil clarified with annoyance. He knew Nicky was probably just drunk, but it still irritated him. 

“I’m sure we could fix that. I could buy you so many drinks, you wouldn’t be sober enough not to swing, and-” Nicky began, only to be cut off by a hand yanking him off of his barstool. Neil didn’t even see Andrew approach the bar, but in seconds, he had Nicky pushed against the bar with a hand on Nicky’s arm and the other knotted in Nicky’s shirt by his neck.

“He said he doesn’t swing. Drop it,” Andrew said slowly. His voice betrayed no emotion, but his eyes were fiery with rage. Kevin stood up, sobering quickly.

“He was just messing around,” Kevin said.

“Yeah!” Nicky nodded exaggeratedly. “Just joking around!” 

Andrew let go of his cousin forcefully and spun on his heel for the table he was sharing with Aaron and some girl Neil’d never seen. 

“We warned you.  _ Violent _ ,” Allison whispered knowingly to Neil. Neil shook his head. Andrew was keeping Nicky in check. He was obviously intoxicated and likely going to say something he’d regret. Nicky wasn’t hurt. Neil personally didn’t see a problem with Andrew’s methods. They were clearly effective. Neil followed Andrew to his table, ignoring Allison calling after him. 

“I’m glad I invited you,” Neil said when he reached the table. He was standing at Andrew’s elbow, but Andrew didn’t even spare Neil a look. He just continued drinking amber liquid from his glass.

“ _ You  _ got him to come tonight?” Aaron asked with venom. “I thought you said you changed your mind,” Aaron accused Andrew.

“I did.” Andrew said it matter-of-factly. 

“What?” Neil asked, genuinely confused.

“Nicky asked him to come out with us like twenty times, and he kept saying no,” Aaron said, still glaring at Andrew. “So, you’ll come out if some stranger asks but not your own cousin? How do you two even know each other?”

Andrew said nothing so Neil didn’t either.

“Aaron, why don’t we go dance?” the girl at his arm suggested. He huffed, but allowed her to lead him onto the crowded dance floor. Neil took Aaron’s abandoned stool. 

“I didn’t know you were already invited,” Neil said. Andrew didn’t reply. “Why did you change your mind about coming when I offered?” Neil was increasingly curious about Andrew, the supposed ‘emotionless monster’, who seemed to at least emote anger if nothing else. 

“They didn’t offer me anything to come,” Andrew replied. 

“Did you think of what you want to ask me?” Neil wondered, speaking of their agreement from earlier. 

“Don’t rush me. I’ll ask when I want to,” Andrew said. Neil nodded. Allison appeared in front of Neil with a drink and some french fries.

“Eat. I’m not leaving until you eat at least five,” she demanded with a hand on her hip. Neil suddenly felt nauseous. He was hungry, he could tell that much. But when he ate, he always had the urge to spit the food out. It felt gross to him. He didn’t like eating, but it was always worse in public. He sighed, knowing Allison would stubbornly stare him down until he did as he was told though. He took a sip of the drink she’d brought him. It was a coke. Beverages were always easier to get down for Neil. Neil picked up a fry and avoided Andrew’s gaze. He felt the short blonde’s eyes on him. 

“Ally,” Neil started, swallowing loudly, still staring at the fry. 

“Go dance. I’ll make sure he eats,” Andrew said. Allison’s eyes widened dramatically. 

“Like I’d trust you with him. You’ll probably poison him,” she accused cattily. 

“It’s fine,” Neil said. “Go dance. I promise I’ll eat.” Allison looked between the two of them suspiciously, but eventually agreed. When she’d stomped away, Neil put the fry down and put his head in his hands. He took several deep breaths. 

“It’s easier if you don’t think about it,” Andrew said. Neil looked up into a pair of hazel eyes. 

“Yeah,” Neil agreed. 

“I’ll take my truth now. Start eating,” Andrew ordered. Neil exhaled and picked the fry up again. 

“How’d you get those scars?” Andrew asked. Neil straightened. He wasn’t expecting that, although it was an obvious thing to wonder about. Most people were polite enough not to mention them. Neil glanced at the fry in his hands, held up by fingers wielding burn scars and knife lines. His face, too. Andrew couldn’t even see the rest that were covered by his clothes. 

“Okay,” Neil sighed, taking his first bite. He chewed, feeling the weight of the food in his mouth. He forced himself to swallow and then speak. “My dad was… a bad person. I can’t really say more about him here,” Neil glanced around the crowded bar. “But, his right hand woman decided it would be fun to maim me.” He took another bite, this one was easier since he was thinking about Lola and her malicious sneer instead of the french fry in his mouth. “She used a dashboard lighter,” he gestured to his left cheek, “and some knives.” 

Andrew nodded, unphased. Neil found his lack of reaction refreshing. Most people pitied him, or reacted in empathy for his pain. Neil would rather just move on. He lived it, but now it was over. No need to dwell. 

“You’re not eating,” Andrew pointed out. Neil obediently took another fry into his mouth. This one, he washed down with his coke. “Now we’re even.” Andrew said. “You can ask me something. I’ll require another truth from you though,” he said evenly. 

Neil was intrigued. A truth for a truth. It seemed fair. After all, Neil was growing dangerously curious about Andrew. 

“Did you kill your mother?” Neil asked, remembering Dan and Matt talking about it. Andrew was never prosecuted for her death, but obviously some people thought it was his doing. 

“I don’t have a mother,” Andrew said, bored. 

“But, I thought… Dan said your’s and Aaron’s mother died in a car crash,” Neil said, confused. 

“Tilda was Aaron’s mother. She gave me up and kept Aaron. I grew up in foster care,” Andrew provided. 

“Oh,” Neil said. “Wait, so she kept one twin and not the other?”

“It’s not your turn for a question,” Andrew reminded him.

“But you didn’t even answer my question,” Neil complained.

“Ask a better question next time,” Andrew said. “Why don’t you eat?” 

Neil sighed. He was regretting agreeing to this question game when Andrew wasn’t even playing fair. 

“It’s complicated. I…” he drifted off. “I can’t sometimes. It’s like I have to restrict myself. I make myself small. Sometimes I just want to disappear. Not eating is a way to control my life,” he explained without meeting the other man’s gaze. His voice was betraying in how small and unsure it sounded.

“You should come to the cafe,” Andrew said. Neil looked up at him.

“What cafe?”

“Mine. Palmetto Bakery and Cafe,” Andrew said. 

“Wait, that’s your business? I run by there, like everyday.” Neil couldn’t hide his surprise. He wasn’t sure what he imagined Andrew’s job to be, but it wasn’t that. “Okay, maybe I’ll stop in. Betsy said trying new food can be helpful,” Neil said. 

“It’s your turn,” Andrew reminded him. 

“Why did you really agree to come out tonight, really? Nicky asked you and you said no. Why agree just because I offered you a truth? Why continue with this game?” Neil asked. Andrew’s eyes closed and they flittered back open after a few seconds. 

“That’s more than one question.”

“You can ask me three then. Put it on my tab.” 

“I didn’t want to go out when Nicky asked because I was having a bad day. You offered a distraction. This game is a way to pass the time and get Allison off my back.” Andrew said the words like they were the most uninteresting thing imaginable. 

“Allison? What’s she have to do with this?”

Andrew gestured to the nearly clean plate in front of Neil. Only a few french fries remained. Neil was shocked. Andrew had distracted him enough to make him eat more in a single sitting than he had the past two days. 

“Oh,” he said quietly.

“Oh,” Andrew agreed. 


	4. Totally not 'Friendship'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew doesn't do 'friends'. But he's a liar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depressive thoughts, issues with eating, passing out.

“What do you consider a friend then, Andew? Is Renee your friend? Robin?” Bee asked during his session later that week. Andrew mulled over her question while he took a particularly large sip of cocoa. The topic of friendship had come up when Andrew mentioned that Nicky was being more annoying than usual in his persistent approval of Andrew’s ‘new friend’ Neil. Andrew didn’t have friends. The whole concept annoyed him. 

“I value Renee’s companionship and I don’t get annoyed quite as easily in her presence as I do in most people’s. Robin is someone who I made a deal with and she actually kept up her end of it. I respect her. That’s all. I don’t offer them anything remotely close to friendship.” That was the root of it all, wasn’t it? Andrew wasn’t capable of offering more than protection and respect. He wasn’t tender. He couldn’t be a proper friend to anyone. 

The words tumbled out of him as they often did in Bee’s presence. He didn’t feel the need to censor what he said to her, knowing she would understand his point of view in a way few others did.

“Well, you may define friendship differently than some people do. That’s alright. I think Renee and Robin would consider themselves your friends. Still, if there’s no universal definition of friendship to you, why did it bother you when Nicky referred to Neil as your friend?” Bee asked.

“Nothing bothers me,” Andrew said automatically. Bee set her mug down slowly and glanced at Andrew. He felt incredibly seen in that moment. Bee always knew when he wasn’t being honest. 

“Alright,” she said. Andrew was internally relieved that she didn’t call him out on it. “How has your mood been this week?”

* * *

Andrew left Bee’s office with a clear head. Andrew’s sleeping had improved lately, but he was careful not to oversleep often, as that was something that could trigger an episode for him. Maintaining a routine was useful for managing his major depression, though he was mildly depressed all the time. He had been for the last five years. The combination was what lots of therapists had called a 'double whammy'. Either he was majorly depressed, or only a little depressed. There’s no option three. Bee never called it a double whammy, though.

As Andrew walked out the office door, he was happy to ignore what Nicky thought of him spending so much time in Neil’s company. Andrew spoke more to Neil than anyone, save Bee. Neil was interesting. He was something that kept him from absolute boredom. And Neil was not only a puzzle to solve; he also happened to be intuitive and observant in a way few others were. He seemed to really see Andrew in a way that people rarely did. 

Andrew checked his phone as he set off down the street to his apartment building. He had a message from Renee asking if seven-thirty would work for their sparring session. He replied ‘yes’, and put the phone away. He was in the process of lighting a cigarette when he spotted Neil. He was laying on his back in the grass under a tree, and Andrew made out the auburn hair since it contrasted with the greenery of the park. The park itself was located behind some of the businesses downtown and was rather popular. Andrew usually avoided it. But once his eyes caught sight of auburn hair ruffling in the breeze, he couldn’t help but head in that direction instead. As he got closer, he saw that Neil was laying in a T flat on his back with his eyes closed. He was wearing a loose T-shirt that showcased the myriad of scars littering his forearms and hands and athletic shorts. Andrew tried not to notice his sun-tanned thighs. Andrew leaned over Neil’s face, wondering if the man had fallen asleep on the grass. 

“Neil,” Andrew said. Blue eyes flitted open. Neil squinted up at him and sat up.

“Oh, hi,” he said casually as if Andrew hadn’t just found him lying alone in a park on a Wednesday evening. 

“Do I even want to know?” Andrew asked, sounding much more bored than he felt. Neil smirked a little and slowly got to his feet. He looked a little unsteady and closed his eyes momentarily as if fighting off dizziness. 

“I got home from my appointment and felt like running,” he said with a nonchalant shrug.

“And you just decided to take a nap on your run?” Andrew said with a raised eyebrow. “You went on a run this morning,” Andrew said. It wasn’t an accusation, but it landed like one. Neil’s face flashed with guilt and he avoided Andrew’s gaze.

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“You didn’t eat again after what I made you this morning and you passed out on your run,” Andrew guessed. Neil looked down. He’d been coming to Andrew’s shop in the morning’s. Andrew had come to look forward to it. Today, Neil had eaten an everything bagel with plain cream cheese. 

“Eating is hard today,” Neil admitted quietly. Andrew stared at him a moment longer before grabbing hold to his wrist and leading them back to their apartment building. 

“Wha-,” Neil began when Andrew continued leading Neil up to the third floor instead of dropping him off at Neil’s second floor apartment. Andrew only released Neil’s wrist when they arrived outside Andrew’s apartment door. Of course he noticed the indents on Neil’s wrist that suspiciously felt like scars from tugging on handcuffs. He filed that into his memory to consider later. Once the door was unlocked, Andrew entered, expecting Neil to follow. He did. 

Andrew didn’t pause to see Neil’s reaction to being invited into Andrew’s space. It was easier to simply  _ not think _ around Neil at all. 

“Your place looks like mine,” Neil said from the living room, and Andrew could hear amusement in his voice. “Allison always yells at me for having no decorations.” Neil rounded the corner to the kitchen where Andrew was pulling ingredients to make Neil something suitable for dinner. 

“Sit,” Andrew instructed over his shoulder. Neil followed his gaze to the small table in the kitchen that sat two. Andrew waited until Neil sat before turning back to the task at hand. “Do you like bruschetta?”

“Never had it,” Neil replied. Andrew figured he’d like it, and even if he didn’t, Andrew really didn’t care. ~~Well, maybe he did.~~ “Where did you learn to cook?” Neil asked while Andrew set about slicing the day-old bread he took home this morning. 

“I had to make my own food a lot when I was in foster care. I got sick of peanut butter and jelly,” he said with absolutely no inflection. His time in the foster system was something that he fought hard not to dwell on. He’d survived it. Memories were harmless, or so he told himself. 

“My mom and I used to have to eat cold food straight from the can a lot. I’ll probably never be able to eat baked beans ever again, even if they’re warmed up.” 

“You do have a mother then,” Andrew pointed out. Neil hadn’t mentioned any sort of mother since they’d begun their truth game. Neil had told Andrew that his father was a bad man, responsible for the horrific scars on his face and arms. But Neil had never mentioned a mother until now. 

“I did. She’s dead,” Neil said. His voice was foggy, perhaps with grief? Andrew wasn’t exactly sure. He hadn't felt grief since he lost Cass.

“Just as well,” Andrew said, popping the bruschetta into the oven once it’d preheated. He poured Neil and himself some water and sat across from him at the table. “Drink,” he ordered Neil.

“Bossy,” Neil muttered into his glass, but drank a few gulps obediently. It was silent for a few moments after Neil had set his water back down. 

“You look like shit,” Andrrew commented. It was true. Outside, the sun’s evening glow had masked how tired Neil looked. Here, in the fluorescent lights of Andrew’s kitchen, Neil’s eyes looked sunken in and his cheekbones hollow. 

“Thanks,” Neil said with a defiant tilt of his chin. “You’re  _ so _ pleasant to be around.”

“You owe me three turns,” Andrew said. 

“Right. Okay,” Neil nodded. 

“What happened in your session with Bee today?” Andrew asked. He’d seen Neil leave her office in a hurry, not even sparing Andrew a glance or a witty comment like he seemed to always do when he saw him lately. Paired with the state Andrew found him in afterwards, whatever Bee had talked about with Neil had upset him. Andrew didn’t care whether Neil was okay or not, he was _just_ _ curious.  _ Neil went pale, and that confirmed Andrew’s suspicions. 

“I,” Neil started, but stopped to take a steadying breath. “I’ve been having dreams. I wake up at the slightest noise, thinking I’m somewhere else. I… I explained to her what I was dreaming about. I had to explain why it was affecting me so much,” he said. The vagueness would have bothered Andrew if he didn’t have two more questions left. 

“Tell me your dream,” Andrew said. Neil huffed out a shaky laugh.

“I should’ve expected this. I’m starting to understand why the others don’t like you,” he said with a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I’m surprised it took you that long,” Andrew said. 

“I dreamt about my father. I told you he was a horrible person, but he was more than that… For so many years he was my biggest fear. My mother and I ran away when I was ten and he tracked us down time and time again. I dream about my time at home with him, the times he intercepted us on the run, and I dream of when he finally got to my mother,” he said. By the end, he was whispering. “The past couple days, my dreams have revolved around my childhood. Betsy thinks I’ve avoided my trauma for so long, it’s finally catching up to me.”

“You don’t like her,” Andrew said. It wasn’t a question. Neil shook his head.

“It’s nothing personal. Her line of work makes me dislike her on principle,” Neil said stubbornly. Andrew chose not to comment on that.

The oven timer beeped, so Andrew stood to pull dinner out of the oven. It was a light meal. If Andrew had been cooking for only himself, he probably would have made something richer, but he figured it was going to be difficult to get Neil to eat anything and keep it down. Simplicity would be best. 

“Oh, it’s like pizza,” Neil said once he was handed a plate. Andrew glared daggers at him. “Or, actually, it’s nothing like pizza,” he backpedaled. 

Andrew began eating his portion. He was part way through his first piece before he spoke up.

“Are you going to eat, or do I have to force feed you?” Andrew asked gruffly. Neil gave an exasperated sigh, but took a small bite. 

“It’s good,” he said. He chewed for much longer than necessary, but Andrew didn’t call him out on it. They ate in silence until Andrew had finished his plate. He was looking forward to some ice cream, but that’d have to wait until he was done with Renee. She would kick his ass especially hard if he was sluggish from dairy and sugar. 

“Are you full?” Neil asked. “I have some left, if you want it.” Neil gestured to the extra piece he had yet to touch.

“Nice try. You’re eating all of it,” Andrew said. Neil let out a disappointed sound. 

“You didn’t have to make me something,” Neil said after taking another tiny bite. 

“I did it for my own benefit. If you starved yourself to death, your corpse would stink up the whole building,” Andrew said for effect. That wasn’t why he did it, but he wasn’t ready to face the real reason. That he  _ enjoyed  _ Neil’s presence. That was dangerous. Things Andrew wanted could be taken. It was safer to not want at all. 

“Right,” Neil snorted. “Of course that’s the reason.”

* * *

“I think it’s,” Renee said breathlessly while she dodged the right hook Andrew threw her way, “sweet that you made him dinner.” Andrew scoffed and got a good hit into her right side.

“There’s nothing,” he paused to duck as Renee’s arm flew over his head, “ _ sweet  _ about me.” Renee swung her leg out and tripped Andrew. He hit the mat hard enough to lose the breath from his lungs.

“I don’t know, Andrew. Your sugar intake is high enough, I think you’d qualify as sweet,” Renee said, leaning over him with a cocky grin on her face. She didn’t look anything like a sweet Christian youth group leader like this. She looked fierce and dangerous. It was how Andrew liked her best. 

“He’s caught my interest. He doesn’t make sense to me,” Andrew said as he caught his breath.

“Caught your interest?” Renee echoed. “You like him, then?” she asked.

“He’s attractive,” Andrew shrugged, “but he told Nicky he doesn’t swing. It’s not like that anyway,” Andrew said with an air of agitation. 

“Of course. Want to go another round?”

Andrew let her take his hand and pull him upright. 

Later that night, Andrew nursed his sore knuckles with a pint of ice cream and definitely did  _ not  _ think about Neil. 


	5. Nothing Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil wonders what he should dress as for Halloween. Andrew cooks for him again, and they stop by Eden's to visit Nicky at work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: issues eating/feeling full

“I like it,” Neil said for probably the thousandth time this shift. 

“You really are no help at all, you know that?” Allison said in exasperation. 

“They’re all good,” Neil said again. “I like fruit. Ask someone pickier if you want a better opinion.” Allison rolled her eyes. She’d been trying some new smoothies ideas to add to the menu, and wanted Neil to help narrow it down to three. But every tester cup she’d given him was good. Refreshing. Cold. He wasn’t sure what else to want from a smoothie. Neil tried not to regret eating a scone at Andrew’s bakery earlier, since the sips of smoothie sat heavily in his stomach. He tried to remember what Betsy had said about dealing with the feeling of fullness. He couldn’t recall. 

Allison seemed to sense his discomfort, as she was intimately familiar with it. 

“So, Halloween is coming up. The community center is having a thing. I think there’s a corn maze outside and food and stuff inside, and the basement is a haunted house. You should come with me,” she suggested. 

“I don’t have a costume,” he protested. Allison scoffed and pushed his uniform hat down further over his forehead in retaliation .

“You have two weeks. I’m sure you’ll find something. Or I can pick you out something to wear,” she said matter-of-factly. 

“I don’t trust you to pick me out something practical,” he said suspiciously. It was curious that she was even giving him leeway to pick something out for himself. She usually just handed bags of clothes to him and demanded he wear them. 

“Hmm. Maybe you should ask Andrew to help you pick something out. You guys have been hanging out a lot, despite my better judgement, I might add,” she said. Neil shrugged.

“We live in the same building. I see him around. I don’t know, he’s not really like what you guys think,” Neil said. 

“Riiiight. Well, he has better style than you, so ask him to help you. Or call me. Either way, you’re going. And you’re dressing up. That’s an order as your  _ boss, _ ” she said with a toss of her hair. 

“I need to join a union,” Neil muttered. 

* * *

A text was waiting for Neil when he got off work. 

**Have you eaten dinner?**

Neil felt the instinct to lie, but with all the truths between them, he just couldn’t. Not to Andrew. So he replied.

**No**

* * *

He was sitting in Andrew’s kitchen once more, this time with a steaming plate of chicken with some kind of gravy, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. It smelled delicious. Neil actually felt hungry, which was unusual, but a bit of a relief. Neil didn’t want it to get bad again. Passing out in the park had been a close enough call that he’d been making more of an effort to get sustenance into him everyday to avoid it happening again. 

Neil watched Andrew cutting his chicken and asparagus into tiny pieces methodically. Neil wasn’t sure what it was, but Andrew looked different. His hair had always been ash blonde, curling a bit at the nape of his neck. It looked soft. Neil had a strange urge to feel it between his fingers. Andrew’s eyes were deep set into his face, but they seemed to shine where the irises were fitted with gold. He didn't look different, but...

“Stop looking at me like that,” Andrew said without looking up. Neil’s face felt hot with embarrassment at being caught staring, but he said nothing and scooped a bit of mashed potato into his mouth. 

“Allison said I need to get a Halloween costume,” Neil said because he didn’t like the silence anymore. 

“And you do everything Allison says?” Andrew replied sullenly.

“No,” Neil said. “She wants me to wear it to the Halloween party they’re doing at the community center. I want to go,” he clarified. Neil was once again curious about why Andrew and Allison’s group seemed to dislike each other so much. 

“So go,” Andrew said simply. Neil huffed a small laugh.

“I will. But I need a costume,” Neil said again. “What are you going as?”

Andrew didn’t say anything for a minute, but then spoke.

“I could just wear this and be a homicidal maniac. They look just like everybody else,” Andrew said at length. Neil couldn't help the giggle that escaped his lips.

“I thought the point of Halloween was to be someone  _ different  _ than yourself,” Neil teased. 

“I went as an inmate in college. That wasn’t different from me,” Andrew said with a slight narrowing of his eyes.

“You were in jail?” Neil asked. He took a bite of chicken and found that the flavor was even better than he’d been expecting. 

“Juvie,” Andrew corrected. “I’m surprised your friends didn’t mention that when they were busy telling you my life story.”

“They did mention that,” Neil remembered. “They didn’t have any right saying that stuff to me anyway,” Neil felt the need to say. After all the truths given back and forth between them, knowing things about Andrew without Andrew’s permission seemed like a betrayal. 

“Nicky would’ve blabbed about me to you sooner or later,” Andrew said with a dismissive way of his hand. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Neil said. “What do you think I should be for Halloween?” he added to redirect the conversation. 

“What do you want to be?” Andrew asked. Neil thought that over while he ate another bite. He’d never been able to trick or treat growing up. He saw the ads for Halloween costumes, but he couldn’t even remember ever wanting to wear a costume. He’d pretended to be other people for most of his life. One night where everyone else was doing it too didn’t make it special. 

“Nothing real,” Neil decided. “I don’t want to be a person. I want to be something that doesn’t actually exist. A monster maybe. Or an alien.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard to find something,” Andrew said. “There’s a Halloween pop-up store by the mall. We can go this weekend.”

“Thank you,” Neil sighed. He went to take another bite and found it to be the last one on his plate. 

Andrew’s phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket to check it. 

“Nicky’s working at Eden’s tonight. He wants me to stop by,” Andrew said.

“Oh, okay. Have fun! I’ll just go, thanks for dinner again,” Neil muttered, standing to rinse his plate. 

“You can come,” Andrew said with a rare flare of emotion in his voice. It was as if Andrew was exasperated by Neil’s stupidity. He probably was. 

“Yes,” Neil said faster than he meant to. Neil didn’t know what it was about Andrew, but he made Neil feel solid. Neil usually felt like a paper doll. All it would take was a strong wind to wipe him out. Andrew seemed able to weather anything.

“Not in that, you aren’t,” Andrew said, giving him a once-over. His gaze was clinical, not so much admiring. 

“My clothes are fine,” Neil protested. Andrew just raised an eyebrow. 

“Come on, I’m sure Reynolds has something acceptable for you in your closet,” Andrew said, tugging Neil by his sleeve. 

* * *

Neil stepped out of his bathroom in the clothes Andrew picked out. It was black jeans and a charcoal gray long sleeved shirt with holes in it that were apparently fashionable (even though when  _ his  _ normal clothes had holes in them, they were somehow ‘unwearable’). Andrew was sitting on the edge of Neil’s bed, and Neil tried to understand why he felt something tug at his chest at the sight of it. Neil pushed the thought away, confused. 

“Acceptable?” Neil asked, giving a small twirl to show off the outfit. Andrew nodded once. 

The pair headed downstairs and outside. Only when Andrew tugged car keys out of his pocket did Neil even realize he owned a car. 

“This is yours?” Neil asked when Andrew approached a small black sedan. It didn’t look new, but it wasn’t in bad shape.

“No, you’re witnessing auto theft,” Andrew deadpanned. Neil smiled a little and pulled the passenger door open. 

“I’ve never seen you drive this,” Neil said once Andrew was pulling away from the curb. 

“I live in walking-distance from my work,” Andrew said. “I drive it only when I have to.” Neil raised his eyebrows. “It wasn’t my first choice in a car,” he elaborated. 

“What was your first choice?” Neil wondered.

“A black maserati,” Andrew said without thinking twice. 

“How much are those?” Neil asked. The name sounded expensive.

“Six digits,” Andrew supplied. 

“I guess that explains why you went with option number two,” Neil said dryly.

When they arrived at Eden’s, Andrew led Neil to a barstool. The place was significantly emptier than it had been the first time Neil was here. He supposed weeknights were slower than weekends. 

“Andrew!” Nicky called enthusiastically from behind the bar. “You brought Neil,” he said with a smile that seemed too big for his face. Andrew didn’t reply, so Neil didn’t either. It didn’t deter Nicky, who chatted animatedly while he poured Andrew a drink. Neil tuned it out until Nicky spoke to him directly.

“What would you like?”

“A soda,” Neil said. 

“You don’t drink?” Nicky asked. Neil shook his head. “Like, ever?” Nicky added.

“No,” Neil said. Nicky shrugged and handed him a can of pop. 

“So, Neil,” Nicky began, seeming to expect Andrew’s lack of contribution to the conversation. “Where are you from?” 

The question was simple enough, but for Neil, it was loaded. Baltimore was the answer, but he spent so much of his life being  _ anywhere else _ . 

“Uh, Baltimore,” he said, hoping that the nugget of truth would keep Nicky at bay. 

“Never been,” Nicky said. “How do you like South Carolina?”

“It’s hot,” Neil said. Nicky laughed as if Neil was the funniest person he’d ever met.

“Yes, it is,” Nicky chuckled. “One sec,” Nicky said when someone else sat down at the bar and walked over to serve them. 

“Your cousin is chatty,” Neil said to Andrew. 

“Great observation,” Andrew said. 

“What’s that?” Neil asked, pointing to Andrew’s glass. 

“Johnnie Walker Blue,” Andrew said, swirling the liquid in his glass a little before taking a sip. “Scotch,” he clarified. Neil nodded. A few more people drifted into the bar, which Neil supposed made sense since it was now after eight-o’clock. 

Nicky returned a few moments later.

“Did you decide if you’re coming to dinner on Friday yet?” Nicky asked his cousin. Andrew shrugged.

“Is the cheerleader coming?” he asked Nicky.

“Yes,” Nicky sighed. 

“Then you know my answer,” Andrew said.

“Who’s the cheerleader?” Neil wondered. Nicky looked at Andrew before turning to tell Neil himself.

“Katelyn. Aaron’s girlfriend,” Nicky supplied. 

“I’m going out for a cigarette,” Andrew announced, sliding off of his stool and briskly walked towards the exit.

“What was that about?” Neil asked. 

“My boyfriend Erik is visiting this weekend from Germany. We were hoping to have the family over for dinner, but Andrew’s being difficult,” Nicky said with a joking tone, but his eyes were sad. 

“Why doesn’t he like Aaron’s girlfriend?” Neil asked. Nicky leaned forward, his smile gone.

“Andrew’s… complicated. I can’t even begin to understand his motives. All I know is the twin’s relationship isn’t normal. You know they grew up apart, right?” At Neil’s nod, Nicky continued. “Aaron blames Andrew for his mother’s death. Andrew doesn’t care. They made a deal in college to stick together, so Andrew could keep protecting him. Aaron and Katelyn fell for each other but had to hide it from Andrew. As soon as they graduated and the deal ended, Aaron and Katelyn officially got together. Andrew didn’t like it. He’s sort of… territorial. I don’t really understand it all. But it breaks my heart, you know? I just want the family all together. Erik and I were going to announce our engagement at dinner on Friday… I guess I just had hoped… Well anyway, it’ll be okay,” Nicky said and plastered a smile on his face that looked forced. 

“Oh,” Neil said. He felt for Nicky. Andrew may have had his reasons for not wanting to go, but Nicky just wanted his family to be together. “I can try and talk to him,” Neil offered.

“Would you really?” Nicky asked, instantly lighting up.

“No promises, but sure,” Neil shrugged.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Nicky said excitedly. 

Andrew came back inside shortly after, and he looked as apathetic as always. Neil wondered how he managed that all the time. Nicky made himself sparse when Andrew sat back down. 

“Welcome back,” Neil said coyly. 

“I’m finishing my drink, and then we’re going,” Andrew said, pulling the glass to his lips. Neil nodded in agreement. 

A big guy stumbled up to the bar on Andrew’s other side. He looked sloshed, and he leaned heavily onto the bartop. 

“What you drinkin’, little man?” the big guy asked Andrew. Andrew didn’t answer, but shot an unimpressed glance at the man. “Sorry, I was just asking a question!” he said, putting his hands up as if to prove his innocence. He seemed to find himself hilarious, and doubled forward in laughter, putting a hand on Andrew’s forearm to steady himself. In a blink, Andrew had the man’s hand twisted at an unnatural angle, and held it there while the man winced in pain.

“I don’t like to be touched,” Andrew said coldly. He shoved the man’s hand at him and turned to walk toward the exit. Neil scrambled to follow him. 

“You okay?” Neil asked him when they got outside.

“Do I look injured to you?” Andrew asked facetiously. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Neil said, but dropped it. 

Once they were in Andrew’s car, Neil brought up Friday’s dinner.

“Why won’t you go to Nicky’s if Katelyn’s there?” Neil asked. “Erik being there doesn’t bother you, but Aaron’s having a girlfriend there does?”

“I told him when he chose her that I would never accept her. I’m keeping my word,” Andrew said.

“Why did Aaron have to choose?” Neil asked. 

“It’s not your turn,” Andrew said. Neil sighed, but Andrew didn’t ask him anything. 

“What would make you want to go?” Neil asked. 

“Nothing,” Andrew said. “I want nothing.” 


	6. Talking Shop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew and Neil shop for Halloween costumes and Neil tries his hardest to convince Andrew to see his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who leaves kudos and comments! I appreciate it more than you know.
> 
> TW for this chapter: panic attack

“Okay, these are all terrible,” Neil complained as he finished sifting through another rack of costumes.

Andrew stood a few feet away, watching as Neil’s face scrunched in displeasure. 

“You still have time before Halloween. You don’t have to get something today,” Andrew said. It had been a rough day for Andrew. He woke up with whispers of hands all over his body and he’d been in a foul mood since. Although, once he left the cafe to pick Neil up, Andrew felt lighter somehow. Andrew soured at the realization that spending so much time with Neil may have opened up some part of him he’d thought was long lost, something that could be exploited as a weakness. He’d have to deal with that later. 

“Yeah… Maybe. Allison said that sometimes it’s easier to do a matching costume with someone else. She’s going with Renee and Dan as the female ghosthunters with the weird jumpsuits I think? I can’t remember,” Neil rambled as he continued glancing at the rack in front of him.

“You mean Ghostbusters,” Andrew commented. 

“Right, sure,” Neil agreed. Andrew wondered, not for the first time, about exactly how traumatic Neil’s childhood had to be to account for the brutal scars  _ and  _ lack of knowledge in pop culture. 

“Did you decide what you’re being?” Neil asked when he finally gave up on the rack that only seemed to contain costumes of sexy male cops and culturally insensitive slutty Native American chiefs. 

“I’m going as Aaron,” Andrew said without intonation. Neil still chuckled, and something in Andrew thawed. Neil was standing right in front of him and it was rare that someone was short enough for Andrew to maintain eye contact this close without craning his neck. 

“That  _ is _ scary,” Neil said when he’d regained his poker face. 

“You’d probably fare better making your own costume,” Andrew said because he didn’t want Neil to keep looking at him. 

“You’re probably right. There’s makeup over here, right?” Neil said, leading them over a few isles. 

Sure enough, there were bins full of cheap halloween makeup and prosthetics. Andrew’s eyes caught a pair of vampire fangs, and he picked them up to show Neil. When he turned, Neil was staring blankly at a section of the wall that had fake weapons on display; machetes, cleavers, knives, and axes, all made of plastic and decorated with fake blood. It was then that Andrew noticed Neil’s chest trembling as he struggled to inhale a breath. Andrew stepped forward immediately and placed a hand on the back of Neil’s neck, something to ground him in reality. 

“Stop it,” Andrew told him, because he didn’t know what else to say. Andrew preferred real threats, things he could prevent. He hated internal threats. Although intimately familiar with them, those kinds of things were much more complicated to deal with. Still, Andrew’s intervention seemed to be working. Neil sucked in a few breaths and his eyes refocused, but he was looking down at his hands, at the mess of criss crossed scars and burns. Neil clenched and unclenched his hands a few times. 

“I never understood why he liked knives,” Neil murmured, his voice so quiet that had Andrew been any further away, he may not have heard it. Andrew wondered if Neil was talking about his father. He wondered if Neil’s father was still alive and if he was, if Andrew would be able to kill him. It’d take some planning, but Andrew wasn’t in any particular rush. 

“Come,” Andrew said, pulling his hand from Neil’s neck and leading them out of the store. 

When Neil had tucked himself into the passenger seat of Andrew’s car, Andrew didn’t start the car. 

“What triggered it?” Andrew asked. Neil hugged his arms around his tiny abdomen, as though he could disappear if he pulled on himself hard enough.

“It looked like a wall in my dad’s basement,” Neil whispered. Andrew nodded, started the car, and pulled away. 

They drove in silence, Neil’s head leaned up against the window. His electric blue eyes were closed and in this lighting, the scars on Neil’s cheeks, especially the knot of skin under his left eye, were so prominent he looked sort of sinister. 

It was nearly five o’clock when Andrew pulled into the parking lot behind the apartment. He wondered if Neil had actually drifted off, but once the car was in park, Neil’s eyelids peeled open.

“Why did Aaron have to choose between you and Katelyn?” Neil asked out of the blue. Andrew kept his eyes on a dead bug on his windshield when he answered.

“It wasn’t an ultimatum,” Andrew said.

“It sure sounded like one,” Neil scoffed. 

“It’s funny. I don’t remember asking for your opinion,” Andrew said, and abruptly got out of the car, making sure to slam the shitty door closed with enough force to shake the vehicle. Neil followed, which was as expected as it was frustrating. 

“Okay, I’m sorry. But I’m trying to understand. Nicky really wants you to be there tonight. It’s important to him. If you won’t go because of Aaron, go for Nicky,” Neil said. 

“Why does my family dynamic matter so much to you?” Andrew asked. It was meant to distract Neil from convincing Andrew to go. Andrew was finding it harder and harder to tell Neil no lately. But from the look on Neil’s face, the question struck a nerve. Andrew was instantly more interested in this conversation. 

“Because… I’ve never had that.” He sucked in a slow breath. “I’ve always been nothing. I’ll always have and be nothing. Family hasn’t existed to me since my mother died, and even then I spent most of my life hating her. Because I wish someone,  _ anyone  _ cared about me as much as Nicky cares about you. Because, Andrew, I’m sick of watching you push everyone away. But that’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want anyone to care about you,” Neil guessed. As he talked, Neil’s eyes lit up with frustration.

“I’m not pushing you away,” Andrew confessed. It was terrifying, saying something like this to Neil, but Andrew had a suspicion that Neil was too dense to understand the weight of that confession. Still, Neil’s eyes softened at that. Andrew had to swallow down the urge to kiss him. “I told you to stop looking at me like that,” Andrew grumbled. Neil’s eyebrows came together in confusion, before he refocused.

“What if I went with you tonight?” Neil suggested when Andrew had begun to walk away from the car. 

“What if,” Andrew echoed.

“Aaron’s bringing her,” Neil said. “Why can’t you bring someone?” 

Andrew wondered if Neil understood that he was comparing himself to Andrew as what Katelyn was to Aaron. He probably didn’t. Neil doesn’t swing, he reminded himself. 

“I’ll let Nicky ask me as many questions as he wants and you won’t have to talk to anyone,” Neil continued. 

“Fine,” Andrew conceded. 

“Fine?” Neil said in disbelief. 

“Yes. Now come inside.” Neil smiled with a gratefulness Andrew hadn’t yet seen before. “Stop that,” Andrew said once Neil was in step with Andrew. He pushed Neil’s face away with his pointer finger. Neil laughed and Andrew had to pretend the sound of it didn’t affect him at all. 

* * *

The house Nicky bought when he became Andrew and Aaron’s guardian was small and outdated, but it was the closest place to ‘home’ Andrew had. Not for the first time, Andrew wondered why on Earth he’d let Neil talk him into this. Nicky was already pushing Andrew about his new ‘friendship’ with Neil. This would just fuel more questions in the long run. Although Andrew wasn’t necessarily in the closet, Nicky hadn’t found out about Andrew’s sexuality until he’d overheard Roland at work one night. Surprisingly, Nicky hadn’t told anyone about it. It wasn’t that Andrew was ashamed, it just wasn’t anyone’s business. Not even Aaron’s. 

When Andrew and Neil pulled up, Aaron’s car was already in the driveway. 

“Ready?” Neil asked as he unbuckled.

“No,” Andrew said, and got out of the car. 

They made their way up to the porch before Andrew spoke again.

“You realize you’re going to have to eat, right? It’s a dinner,” he pointed out.

“Oh,” Neil said, his hopeful expression falling. “I didn’t think about that,” he said. 

Andrew opened the door without knocking. 

“Andrew! Neil!” Nicky called, poking a head out from the kitchen doorway at their arrival. Andrew made a beeline for the couch, leaving Neil to deal with Nicky. This was his brilliant plan; Andrew was content to let Neil deal with everything. 

“Hi,” Neil said with only an ounce of discomfort. He looked lost, standing in by the front door awkwardly. 

“I was so glad to hear you two were coming,” Nicky said. “Oh, you should meet Erik. Erik! Come over here!”

Erik was a nice enough guy, in Andrew’s opinion. He was tall and muscular and he somehow put up with Nicky’s antics. 

“Neil, this is my boyfriend Erik. Erik, this is Andrew’s friend Neil,” Nicky said in introduction. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Erik said in heavily accented English. 

“You too,” Neil replied.

Nicky leaned in to whisper something to Neil that Andrew didn’t catch, but he heard Neil reply.

“I just asked,” Neil said innocently. Nicky shot Andrew a look, but Andrew pointedly ignored his stare.

“Well,” Nicky said at a normal volume. “Make yourself at home. Dinner’s nearly done.” 

Nicky and Erik retreated back into the kitchen, so Neil made his way to the couch and sat next to Andrew with a few comfortable inches between their bodies. 

Aaron rounded the corner next and stalked over to stand in front of Andrew. 

“Don’t you dare say anything to her. Don’t even go near her, okay? I swear to God, Andrew,” Aaron said intensely. Andrew stared at a scuff on the wall, which served to annoy Aaron further.

“Who?” Andrew asked, finally looking up at his twin. Aaron’s lip twitched in anger, but he didn’t say anything. 

Katelyn chose that moment to enter the living room and immediately Aaron’s body language changed. He stood up straight and plastered on a small smile at the sight of her. Andrew’s skin prickled in annoyance. 

“Oh, Neil. I didn’t know you were going to be here. I’m Katelyn. I don’t think we’ve been officially introduced,” she said and held out a hand to Neil.

When Neil just stared at her hand until she dropped it in embarrassment, Andrew thought maybe coming tonight wasn’t going to be so bad.


	7. Dog Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner at Nicky's and then Andrew takes a sick day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: issues with eating/food, depression
> 
> This chapter is especially heavy on the depression, but it's from Neil's POV, so it's from an outsider's view. Please be safe while reading!

Neil’s stomach churned anxiously as Nicky plated everyone’s food. It was some kind of casserole, with green beans and bread rolls that didn’t look nearly as good as the stuff Andrew made. 

“Dig in,” Nicky ordered. Neil pushed some of the food around with his fork. He felt Andrew’s eyes on him from where he sat at his right, but he couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Delicious, as always Nicky,” Katelyn said from where she sat across from Neil. 

“Thank you! Well, thank you to whoever wrote the recipe I got off of Pinterest,” Nicky said. Erik laughed and Katelyn smiled affectionately. Aaron and Andrew were purposefully not looking at each other even as they sat directly across from each other. Their identical faces were adorned with matching scowls. 

Neil forced himself to eat a green bean. When he swallowed, it felt as heavy as a rock in his stomach. 

“How was the flight?” Katelyn asked Erik. Erik and Katelyn continued to share small talk, along with Nicky who interjected randomly. The conversation eventually lulled as the tension between Aaron and Andrew thickened.

“What’s with him?” Aaron asked Andrew directly, motioning towards the food Neil hadn’t touched on his plate. Neil looked to see if Andrew was going to answer, but he just picked off a piece of bread and placed it in his mouth. 

“I have a name. Neil. You could use it sometime,” Neil snapped. Aaron turned to look at Neil directly, but Nicky spoke before Aaron could retort. 

“You don’t like it? I can make you something else,” Nicky offered, making to stand up. 

“He’ll eat it,” Andrew said. It was the first he’d spoken since his one word response to Aaron earlier. 

“Yeah,” Neil said, hoping his expression was polite but not really caring either way. “I’m a slow eater,” he explained.

“No problem! But really, if you don’t like it, it’s no big deal. I have other stuff, if you’d prefer. You’re so small already, we can’t have you wasting away,” Nicky joked, but it fell flat. Neil put a hand to his lap and all at once noticed how far his hips jutted out against his stomach. 

“Nicky. Shut the fuck up,” Andrew said calmly.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that-,” Nicky rambled, putting a palm to his forehead. “Neil, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Neil said automatically. No one said anything for a while and Neil picked up a bite of casserole and forced it down. 

“So, Neil, what brought you to Palmetto?” Katelyn asked to break up the silence.

“Um, fresh start I guess?” Neil offered. He didn’t want to say that Stuart had gotten him into one of the best Anorexia treatment centers in the country, which happened to be only an hour from here, where he’d met Allison.

“Oh, nice. How are you liking it here?” she asked. Neil knew she was just trying to make conversation, but something about this whole dinner was rubbing him the wrong way. Nicky wanted his family together to announce his engagement to Erik, but no one seemed very excited that Andrew had decided to come. All Aaron had said to his brother was to stay away from Katelyn. Katelyn only seemed interested in avoiding Andrew like the plague. It was like they were all expecting Andrew to do something horrible just because he was in the same room as her.

“It’s fine,” Neil said a bit harsher than necessary.The phrase worked exceptionally well to kill the conversation. The table went quiet until Erik and Katelyn began talking again. Andrew finished his food and took some off of Neil’s plate as well, which Neil was grateful for. It wasn’t exactly subtle, Aaron watched the whole interaction with narrowed eyes, but Neil didn’t really care. He just didn’t want to look at food anymore.

“Well if you’re all finished,” Nicky said, eyeing the remaining food on Neil’s plate, “Erik and I have an announcement to make.”

Erik stood from the opposite head of the table and joined Nicky on his side. 

“We’re getting married!” Nicky announced, his usual cheerful smile reappearing on his face. 

“Oh my God!” Katelyn gushed, jumping up to wrap them both into hugs. Aaron seemed to soften a bit at the news. 

“Are you moving there?” Andrew asked. All heads swiveled to look at him. Andrew’s blank face gave nothing away.

“Yeah,” Nicky said. “The wedding’s in April and then we’ll be having another reception in Germany for Erik’s family. I’ll be moving in with him after that.”

“That’s… good. Good for you, Nicky,” Aaron said. If anyone else noticed the way Andrew’s jaw was clenched, they didn’t say anything 

* * *

“It wasn’t so horrible, was it?” Neil asked once they got back in the car. 

“It was no worse that usual,” Andrew allowed. Neil hummed and they fell into easy silence.

“You’re going to miss Nicky when he moves away,” Neil said when they were nearly back to their building. Andrew didn’t deny the statement, so Neil took that as confirmation. “Without Nicky, will you and Aaron even attempt to see each other?” Neil asked. 

“Last I checked, I don’t have the ability to see the future,” Andrew said dismissively.

“Why can’t he see how much you care about him?” Neil asked. It seemed so obvious to Neil that everything Andrew did was driven by emotions, no matter how hard Andrew fought to keep his hidden. Neil didn’t know why Andrew hated Katelyn so much, but it seemed to Neil that Aaron had never once tried to figure that out.

“Leave this one alone, Neil,” Andrew said tightly. Neil didn’t say anything until they were walking up the stairs to their separate apartments. 

“I think we should get matching costumes,” Neil murmured at one of the stairs landings. Andrew turned to look at him.

“Goodnight, Neil,” was all he said as he continued up to his floor. 

* * *

When Neil woke up the next morning, he felt good. He got dressed for his run with a newfound energy. He realized he was excited to see Andrew. It’d become a reoccurring thing for Neil to stop by Andrew’s bakery when he finished his run. He looked forward to trying a new delicacy and, for some reason, to see Andrew in his all-black outfit with flour dusted on it. Neil couldn’t help the smile that bubbled to the surface as he locked his door and headed out for his run. It was getting cooler outside, but it was still warm. Neil picked up his pace and really ran. The thump of his sneakers on the sidewalk kept him company for about ten miles. He looped around, and made his way to Palmetto Bakery and Cafe. The overhead bell chimed as he pushed the door open. Normally Robin would greet him from her spot at the counter, but she wasn’t there. 

**RING FOR ASSISTANCE**

The sign read, and a bell sat in front of it. Neil hit the bell tentatively. 

“Uh, just a moment!” Robin called from the back. “Oh, hey Neil,” she said a few minutes later when she made her way to the front. 

“Where’s Andrew?” he asked, noting that the flour had made its way to Robin’s sweater this morning when she was normally clean. 

“He’s sick,” she said without meeting his gaze. “Sorry about the wait. It’s a little crazy back here without him, but I manage,” Robin said with a little smile. “Can I get you anything?”

“Thanks, but no. I’ll see you later,” Neil said, already spinning on his heel towards the door. 

Sick? Neil thought to himself. Andrew hadn’t seemed sick last night… Well, he’d better check on Andrew. Neil jogged the rest of the way and took the fastest shower of his life. Once clean, he grabbed some cough medicine from his cupboard and some pain killers, because he didn’t know what kind of sick Andrew was. He walked up the flight of stairs to Andrew’s apartment and knocked on the door.

“Andrew? It’s Neil,” he said after a few knocks. The silence that followed was worrying. Neil pulled out the cell phone he hardly used, and dialed Andrew’s number. From outside the door, he heard Andrew’s ringtone (a weird rock song he’d never heard before) go off. No one picked up. Neil wondered if Andrew was asleep, or if something was actually wrong. After weighing his options, Neil ran back down to his apartment and returned with his lock picks. He hoped Andrew wouldn’t be angry at the intrusion. The lock clacked open, and Neil put his picks away and turned the knob.

“Andrew, I’m coming in,” he called. Andrew’s apartment looked how it always did, except the blinds were drawn shut. Andrew usually had them open when Neil came over. Neil checked the kitchen, and found it empty. The bathroom too. Finally, Neil was left to check the closed bedroom door. “Andrew, are you in there? I’m worried about you,” Neil said. He heard a muffled groan from inside, which made the decision to open the door easier. 

Andrew was laying on his bed, a comforter wrapped around his body. His face was tucked into his pillow, but one eye was open to glare at Neil as he entered.

“Robin said you were sick. I was coming to check on you,” Neil said, still standing in the doorway. He really didn't want to intrude any more than he already had and risk losing Andrew’s trust. “Can I come in?” Neil asked. Andrew didn’t say anything, but he rolled over onto his back and used a hand to gesture at Neil to enter. “What’s wrong?” Neil asked as he walked to stand at the side of the bed. Andrew didn’t really look sick. He didn’t look sweaty or feverish. He didn’t seem to have a runny nose, considering he was breathing out of it without issue. His face didn’t look paler than normal. 

Andrew pointed to his head.

“Headache?” Neil guessed. “I brought some pain killers.”

Andrew shook his head and sighed. 

Unsure of what to do, Neil said, “Let me get you some water.”

He poured Andrew a glass and wondered what was wrong with Andrew’s head.  _ Oh.  _ Andrew had major depressive disorder. That was the debilitating kind of depressive episode that left most people unable to do simple tasks like leave their beds, sometimes for weeks at a time. 

“I’m an idiot,” Neil said when he entered Andrew’s bedroom again. Andrew’s eyes opened at his arrival, two gold stars shining in the dark bedroom. “What do you normally do when this happens?” Neil wondered. 

Andrew pushed himself up into a sitting position slowly. Once he made it he sagged against the headboard. He was able to push through and do things, but it clearly exhausted him. 

“Do you think you could make it to the couch?” Neil asked. Neil figured it’d be easier to feed and keep Andrew hydrated if he was near the kitchen. Plus, the TV may be a good way to keep him from his thoughts. Andrew rested his head against the headboard and took a few deep breaths while he thought about it. After a minute, Andrew tugged the comforter with him and slid off the bed. He wrapped it around him until he looked like a little gray burrito. Neil carried the glass of water after him. Andrew took the side of the couch nearest the window, so Neil placed his glass on the side table next to it. Neil then pushed the coffee table closer so that Andrew could rest his feet on it. 

“You’re probably hungry, so uh, I’ll just…” Neil wandered into Andrew’s kitchen and wondered what he was competent enough to make. After assessing his options, Neil went back into the living room. “Kraft mac and cheese, Pop-tarts, or cereal?” Neil asked. It was truly pathetic considering all the decadent meals Andrew had fed Neil over the last few weeks. 

“Knowing you, you’d find a way to cook those wrong,” Andrew said in a foggy voice. Neil couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped his lips at the sound of Andrew’s voice. 

“What should I do then?” Neil asked.

“Ice cream,” Andrew said. Neil was about to mention that it was only eight AM, but thought better of it. 

“Here, put something on,” Neil said as he handed Andrew the TV remote. Neil walked into the kitchen and pulled out a pint of ‘double chocolate fudge’ ice cream and a spoon. Neil was surprised to find Andrew watching House Hunters when he returned. Neil handed Andrew the ice cream and took a seat next to him.

“I don’t see how they can afford that. He’s a teacher and she’s a stay at home mom. It makes no sense,” Neil commented. “Seriously? They’re going to pick the one over their budget too?! This show is crazy.” Neil went on like this for a few episodes, just rambling about anything and everything wrong with the show. Andrew didn’t necessarily laugh at Neil’s commentary, but he didn’t tell him to shut up and he even huffed a little here and there when Neil said something particularly outlandish. 

Neil didn’t have to work, so he spent the day with Andrew. They watched a couple movies and shared chinese food. Andrew didn’t say a lot, but he wasn’t entirely mute. Neil took that as a good sign. In the evening, Andrew’s phone went off a few times. 

“Who is it?” Andrew asked eventually. Neil got the phone off of the kitchen counter.

“Renee. She’s asking if you’re okay. She’s at the gym,” Neil said after reading the messages.

“Tell her I’m sick,” Andew said. Neil opened up a new message. He noticed that Renee and Andrew texted a lot, more than anyone else in Andrew’s phone. Neil didn’t know why he didn’t like that. After he sent the message, Neil sat down again at Andrew’s side. 

“Were you supposed to meet her at the gym tonight?” Neil asked.

“We’re sparring partners,” Andrew supplied. Neil should have been surprised at that, but a fist-fighting version of Renee made more sense than the cross-wearing Jesus-worshiping version of Renee did. Neil knew this was not the time to pry, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Are you and Renee dating?” Neil asked. Andrew lowered the comforter so he could glare at Neil in disbelief.

“No,” he said. 

“Okay,” Neil said. Another movie started, and the sun had begun to go down. Neil tucked his legs underneath him for warmth. He’d thrown on shorts after his shower because they were on the top of his drawer. Now, he was chilly. Wordlessly, Andrew pulled at the corner of his blanket cocoon in offering. 

“Is this okay?” Neil asked before taking the offer. Neil remembered Andrew telling that man at Eden’s Twilight that he didn’t like to be touched. Sharing a blanket would force them to sit closer together. 

“Yes,” Andrew said. Neil scooched over and hummed as he was enveloped in the warmth of the comforter. Neil felt Andrew’s thigh touch his own, but Andrew didn’t seem to mind, so Neil didn’t say anything. Midway through the movie, Neil’s eyelids began to feel heavy and without realizing it, he fell asleep. 


	8. A Man Can Only Have So Many Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew and Neil get closer, but as Andrew recovers from his depressive episode, Neil begins to struggle.  
> TW: mentions of rape/self harm, depression, and anorexia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well  
> This chapter took FOREVER to finish. I don't know why but I had the hardest time editing. I rewrote it like five times. Anyway, sorry about the lack of updates! Hopefully I'll be back with more soon :)

Andrew felt Neil’s body relax as his breathing evened out and he slumped against Andrew a little. Normally, Andrew wouldn’t like this, feeling someone’s body against his own, but for some reason, he didn’t mind Neil. Maybe it was because Neil was so small. Or maybe simply because it was  _ Neil.  _ Andrew turned his neck a little to get a glimpse of Neil’s slender frame. His auburn hair was pressed up at odd angles where it was smushed against the couch. Neil’s face looked relaxed, and Andrew felt a slight flutter in his ribs at the sight of it. Neil’s T-shirt hung loosely off of one of his shoulders, giving Andrew a view of Neil’s collar bones which stuck out exceptionally far against his skin. Andrew wondered if all of his bones stuck out so much. The thought bothered him. He didn’t like Neil starving himself, but he wasn’t entirely sure why he cared. Neil’s skin was marred where it was visible, and Andrew chose to focus on that instead. The visible area of his shoulder was adorned with texture closely resembling a hot iron. Andrew felt no sympathy, although he assumed that scar was earned in an unimaginably painful way, but he simply stored it in his memory to wonder about later. 

Andrew turned his attention back to the TV. Another dumb movie was playing, but Andrew paid it no mind. The weight of his chest was heavy on his heart. Where his usual numbness laid, there was a heavy ache in its place. Andrew knew that his dream the night before was probably to blame for this episode. He had dreamt in perfect recollection of the night Aaron killed Drake. It was the day that everyone found out what had been going on in Cass’ house. Andrew didn’t feel embarrassed; that would imply that he felt anything at all, and at that time, his drugs made that practically impossible. Andrew didn’t want anyone to know about the abuse because it made him weak. Andrew didn’t want anyone to think of him as prey. In his dream, he’d remembered how his brain couldn’t quite grasp that he was in pain. He remembered laughing into the pillow, as if being raped was the funniest thing that’d happened all day. He felt sick thinking about it. Absentmindedly, Andrew pulled the sleeves of his sweater up to run his fingertips along the scars on his forearms. 

Andrew no longer felt the urge to press a blade to his skin, but he remembered the sting of it, of course he did. Andrew never forgot anything. Even when he wanted to. Andrew didn’t have the energy to move, but he flipped the TV off and adjusted to be more comfortable. He glanced down at Neil’s sleeping form at his side. Andrew wouldn’t be able to sleep with him so close. But the idea of waking Neil up and telling him to leave made Andrew’s chest constrict. No, he’d just stay awake. 

Neil twitched in his sleep. Andrew pulled himself out of his thoughts and paid close attention when Neil’s calm expression melted away, leaving a furrowed brow in its place. Neil’s face contorted further, in what looked like agony. He rolled his head to one side. He didn’t make a sound. If Andrew had been asleep, he’d have never even known Neil was having a nightmare. Andrew pulled an arm out of his blanket cocoon and gently shook Neil’s shoulder. 

Neil’s blue eyes fluttered.

“Mom?” Neil mumbled. 

“It’s Andrew,” he said. Neil peeled his eyes open and looked around flightily. It was like he was imagining all the ways he could escape. It was only a split second expression, but Andrew didn’t miss it. When Neil’s eyes focused on Andrew’s face, he sat up. 

“Sorry, I must’ve fallen asleep by accident,” Neil said, his voice thick with sleep.

“Must have,” Andrew agreed. “What were you dreaming about?”

Neil shuddered almost imperceptibly. 

“My father,” he whispered, as if saying the words aloud would make the man appear. Andrew nodded and didn’t say anything more. “I should go and let you sleep,” Neil said, tugging the blanket off of his body. Andrew felt a twinge of panic in his gut. Before thinking twice about it, he reached for Neil’s hand to stop him.

“You can stay,” Andrew ground out. He didn’t want to be alone right now. Neil was an interesting distraction, that’s all, Andrew convinced himself. Neil’s face went soft and he nodded after only a brief hesitation. 

“If that’s what you want,” Neil said. Andrew nearly commented that he didn’t  _ want  _ anything, but the words got stuck in his throat. 

Neil helped Andrew get to his feet and they both shuffled into Andrew’s bedroom. 

“I’ll take the floor,” Neil offered. Andrew figured that was probably best, so he climbed into bed. Neil pulled a pillow and blanket off of the bed and laid down on the floor next to him. “Do you feel better?” Neil asked once he was settled.

“Yes,” Andrew admitted. The confession tasted bitter in his mouth. Andrew stared at the ceiling until sleep finally took him under. 

* * *

Something changed between Andrew and Neil after Neil stayed the night. It was like some sort of hesitancy was missing. Although the rest of Andrew’s week was a sluggish blur, he noticed that much. He felt none of his usual satisfaction in everyday indulgences, not even ice cream. Nothing seemed worth it. But Neil was at Andrew’s anytime he wasn’t working. The heavy weight on Andrew’s chest was easier to deal with when Neil was around. It wasn’t that Neil was some sort of cure, but more so that Andrew found it easier to manage the weight with Neil around. Andrew called Bee some mornings to help him manage his negative thoughts, and he ended up going back to work after a few days off. Robin was relieved, but she’d never say so. She never acted like Andrew’s depression was a burden. By the end of the week, Neil had become a permanent fixture at Andrew’s side. Andrew would have been more concerned if Neil’s company wasn’t so… well,  _ interesting.  _ Andrew kept on reassuring himself that it meant nothing to him, but Andrew wasn’t stupid enough to believe that. Neil would never want Andrew in the way that Andrew wanted him, and that was probably for the best anyway. But maybe Andrew would be okay to have Neil like this. Just as… well friends? No, that was ridiculous. But Neil wasn’t just  _ anybody _ to Andrew anymore. He wasn’t sure how to categorize him. 

* * *

“Let’s try them on,” Neil suggested as he unlocked his apartment door. Andrew followed Neil into the living room where he unceremoniously dropped the bags of costume pieces onto Neil's couch. Neil had decided that he wanted to be a monster for Halloween, so they’d gone back to the store to pick up some makeup and then shopped around at a thrift store for some monster-esque outfit pieces. Somehow they’d ended up with Neil dressing as some kind of Frankenstein monster and Andrew was going to be a vampire. Neil had picked up a child’s size bat costume and held it up to Andrew, who was not at all amused. But he did catalogue the mischievous grin Neil had sent him in his mind to look over later. Sometimes his memory could be used for good. 

“Okay,” Andrew said. 

“You can use my bathroom,” Neil said, grabbing his bag and stepping into his bedroom, where he swiftly closed the door. Andrew sighed and brought his bag of junk into the bathroom. Andrew expected Neil’s bathroom to be identical to Andrew’s. Neil wasn’t much of a decorator and neither was Andrew. It was mostly bare like Andrew’s, except Neil had a sheet covering the mirror completely. Andrew suddenly had lots of questions. Instead of dwelling on the possible reasons for Neil to hide from his reflection, he slid on the stupid frilly shirt and cape. They fit alright. He was just planning on wearing some black pants and boots like usual with it, so that’s all he had to try on. He stepped out of the bathroom and was unsurprised to find Neil still holed up in his bedroom. Unbothered, Andrew took a seat at the edge of the couch to wait. 

It was a few minutes later when he heard a frustrated huff followed by a few quiet whimpers. Andrew stood up and immediately walked to the bedroom door. 

“Neil,” Andrew called and gave a quick knock.

“D-don’t come in! I’m fine,” Neil said from the other side. He sounded close to panic and Andrew exhaled sharply. 

“Liar. What’s wrong?” Andrew said and he was relieved that his voice was calm and not betraying his worry. It tugged at his gut to hear Neil on the other side of the door from him like this. 

“I… um,” Neil stammered. He was normally so quick to respond that his hesitation only alerted Andrew more. 

“I’m coming in,” Andrew announced and began to turn the knob.

“Close your eyes!” Neil demanded, and this time Andrew heard the panicked edge of his voice clearly. Andrew put a hand in front of his eyes as he pushed the door open. 

“A man can only have so many issues,” Andrew said as he stepped inside. Neil’s huff of a laugh soothed something inside Andrew’s chest. “What is it?” Andrew pressed.

Andrew heard some fabric rustle and then Neil spoke, “You can look now.”

He pulled his hand down and saw Neil sitting on the edge of his bed. The shirt he’d thrown on was oversized and it hung down well over the waist of his jeans.

“Well?” Andrew asked, because Neil looked fine to him. Well, more than fine, but that was besides the point. He didn’t look hurt; just his eyes had that wild gleam in them that told Andrew he was an inch from falling apart. 

“My pants,” Neil exhaled. “The ones Allison bought me a few weeks ago. They don’t,” he cut off abruptly. 

“Tell me,” Andrew insisted. 

“They won’t button,” Neil whispered, purposefully looking down and away from Andrew. “They’re too small.”

Oh. So that was what this was about. Andrew had noticed that Neil was looking healthier lately, but he hadn’t realized that Neil had gained weight. He still looked so tiny. But, Andrew recalled in perfect accuracy what Neil looked like that first day he walked into Bee’s office. He’d looked basically skeletal. Now, Neil had some flush to his cheeks; his bones didn’t stick out so much. He had a healthy glow about him. 

“We’ll buy new ones,” Andrew said, because what else would he say? He couldn’t make any of Neil’s irrational thoughts about his body go away. What he  _ could  _ do is eliminate the problem of ill-fitting pants. Neil was quiet for several moments, but he eventually met Andrew’s gaze.

“Your costume looks good,” Neil commented. Andrew had to resist rolling his eyes. Instead, he pulled open Neil’s dresser drawer and pulled out a pair of gray joggers.

“Put these on. Let’s go watch House Hunters,” Andrew said. Neil’s tiny nod was enough to let Andrew know that the crisis was averted for the moment. After Neil got dressed, they headed up to Andrew’s and didn’t talk about the costumes again. 


	9. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil becomes slightly less oblivious (but only slightly).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning; This chapter is a little heavy on body image issues, so be careful while reading.

Neil chewed his fruit with an enormous amount of effort. He hadn’t eaten anything but a little bit of fruit in the mornings since his the day pants wouldn’t button. Although the kiwi he was trying to chew tasted fine, the texture of having anything in his mouth disgusted Neil. It wasn’t that he was avoiding eating… Or maybe he was. But he wasn’t necessarily upset that he’d put some weight on, after all that was what everyone wanted from him. Betsy, Uncle Stuart, Allison… but it was the fact that he hadn’t even noticed. He was blindsided by it, and Neil didn’t like that loss of control. He hadn't been paying any attention to what he looked like. He was growing too complacent here. So, as illogical as it was, he had reverted to over-exercising and hardly eating. It made him feel more like himself. So far, no one seemed to have noticed because it wasn’t like he was ever eating a lot, and he was really good at declining invitations that involved food, or simply saying he’d already eaten. The only person who he felt guilty for lying to was Andrew, but Neil suspected that Andrew knew he was lying. Everytime Neil said, “I ate at work,” Andrew squinted at him but didn’t say anything. Neil finished his fruit and put a hand to his stomach and pinched the skin there. There was hardly any flesh there, but there was more than there had been previously. Neil pushed both of his palms against his sides and pushed. His body contracted a little, shrunk under the pressure. But as soon as he released, the flesh returned to its place. Neil shuddered and made his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had never been more grateful for the sheet covering his mirror. He didn’t want to see himself today. It wasn’t that he was insecure about his appearance, but to see himself with his natural hair and eye color, paired with the excessive scarring that was visible and his scrawny body… Well, he hated it. He couldn’t help but think of what his mother would say if she could see him now. She always grimaced when she caught sight of his eyes without contacts, or when she had to touch up the roots of his hair. Not to mention the state of his body now. Before, Neil was thin because of the stress of his life, but he would never have turned down food. It was a means of survival and Mary would have given him hell if he’d ever refused. After Lola had tortured him and his father had nearly killed him though… eating wasn’t about surviving anymore. It was a daily chore, something to do. His life had no purpose without running, without surviving. He didn’t know how to _live_. Neil sighed and grabbed his keys so he could go for a run before he had to work. He wondered if he’d start seeing spots on his runs soon. That tended to happen when Neil neglected his appetite long enough. The thought didn’t scare him anymore, but he wasn’t sure that was a good thing. 

* * *

“That for Andrew?” Allison inquired as Neil secured the lid on a smoothie at the end of his shift. The chocolate-banana-coffee monstrosity was something Neil never would have made for himself. He preferred the strawberry banana ones.

“Yeah,” Neil said as he grabbed a straw.

“You’ve been hanging out with him a lot,” Allison said suggestively. He turned to see her raise a blonde eyebrow at him.

“We have,” he said noncommittally. Allison studied Neil’s face with an intensity that made him squirm. Whatever she saw on his face made her narrow her eyes at him.

“Don’t tell me you’re hooking up with him,” Allison said with exaggerated displeasure.

“What? No,” Neil said quickly. “Why would you even think that?” Allison knew Neil didn’t like people like that. Well, he never had before.

“Neil, sweetie. I know you’re a little thick sometimes in the realm of social cues, but you’re super attractive. I don’t blame Andrew for being into you. Plus, you never give anyone the time of day and here you are, spending all of your free time with him. For fuck’s sake, you’re going to the Halloween party with him in  _ coordinated costumes, _ ” she explained. Her face was scrunched in a way that suggested disbelief mixed with pity. 

“Oh,” Neil said because he didn’t know what else to say. He’d never put much thought into his friendship(?) with Andrew. Maybe that was because being around Andrew felt easy and natural, but he supposed she had a point. “Wait, you think Andrew likes me?” Neil asked. Was Andrew even gay? Neil was becoming even more confused as the conversation went on.

Allison gave him a pitying look. “Ask him,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand.

Neil shook his head as he exited the store. The entire walk home, Neil’s head swam. By the time he entered the building and began climbing the stairs, Neil had decided to just ask Andrew flat out if he liked Neil. Neil figured Andrew wouldn’t make it a big deal. If anything, he’d be quite nonchalant about it. That brought Neil some comfort. But then, what would Neil say if Andrew did in fact like Neil? Neil had never really had a crush before, he had no experience with this sort of thing. Neil made a conscious decision to stop thinking and just headed up to Andrew’s. 

“Hey,” Neil said after the door swung open, revealing the short blonde man who was clad in his usual all black outfit. The T-shirt showed off his black armbands, and higher up, his muscular biceps.  _ Why was Neil noticing his biceps?  _ “I brought you a smoothie,” Neil said, ignoring the odd train of thought. 

“Mm,” Andrew grunted and moved away from the doorway so that Neil could come in. 

“So Allison offered to do my makeup tomorrow before we go to the community center and I told her yes because I have no idea how to do that kind of stuff. Do you want her to do yours too?” Neil asked as he took his usual seat on Andrew’s couch. 

“Reynolds is not going anywhere near my face,” Andrew said as he sat down next to Neil and took the smoothie and straw from Neil’s hands. 

“I think Renee is going to be over there getting ready with her, so maybe she can do yours,” Neil said. Andrew nodded at that. This was the perfect opening, Neil thought. He couldn’t chicken out now. If Neil had ever been anything, it was bold. 

“Is there nothing going on between you and Renee because you don’t like her, or because you don’t like women?” Neil asked. Andrew didn’t react beyond stopping mid sip of his smoothie. It was so quiet, Neil could practically hear his own heart beating. Andrew didn’t say anything for a moment, but then he swiveled his gaze to Neil’s face.

“Does it matter?” Andrew asked eventually. He still looked his typical apathetic self, but Neil noticed a tenseness to his shoulders. 

“Not really. That doesn’t mean I don't want to know,” Neil said with a shrug. He was grateful that his voice stayed steady while he spoke. 

“I’m not interested in Renee  _ because  _ she is a woman,” Andrew said slowly. 

“You’re gay then?” Neil asked quickly. He didn’t say it judgmentally, but for some reason his pulse began racing at the news. Neil didn’t know why that was. 

“That’s typically how people define it, yes,” Andrew said in his normal monotone. Neil shakily huffed out a small laugh.

“Right. Well, Allison thinks there’s something going on between us because we’ve been spending so much time together,” Neil said, and purposely looked at a spot on the wall so he wouldn’t have to look at Andrew anymore. 

“And that made you wonder about my sexuality? I already know you don’t swing. Me being gay doesn’t change anything,” Andrew said dismissively. Neil’s chest felt tight. He didn’t want Andrew to feel defensive.

“I know it doesn’t. I was just curious, that’s all,” Neil replied quickly. Andrew regarded Neil cautiously before speaking.

“Did you eat?”

Neil considered lying, but he just couldn’t do it.

“No.” 


	10. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew get ready for the Halloween party + some Andrew introspection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing particularly triggering in this chapter, but mentions of Cass and Tilda

Andrew stared up at the ceiling in his bedroom. Neil had left a few hours ago and they’d made plans to go to Allison’s at four the next day to get ready for the Halloween- _ whatever-thing  _ he’d been roped into attending. Andrew was still reeling from Neil’s unexpected interrogation. For a moment, Andrew thought Neil had heard about Drake, but Neil didn’t mention anything about it. Andrew was lucky Neil hadn’t read about it yet; it was all public knowledge. Any Google search would bring up Aaron’s trial. Still, Andrew didn’t like it. Neil knowing he was gay wasn’t a big deal, really. Andrew knew Neil wouldn’t use that against him, but there was something vulnerable about it. Andrew didn’t like that feeling. And had he imagined it, or did Neil start to blush when he told Andrew about what Allison had insinuated? Andrew sighed heavily and tried to rid Neil of his thoughts. It didn’t work. Andrew fell asleep to visions of blue eyes and scarred hands. 

* * *

The bakery was quiet when Andrew got in. It was calming, in a way. He began to work, and the repetitive motions were a welcome distraction. Andrew had dreamed about Neil nearly all of last night. The way that the auburn-headed man had gotten under his skin was troublesome. Andrew may have kneaded some dough a little more roughly than necessary that morning as he worked through his frustrations. By the time Robin got in, Andrew was itching for a cigarette. He stepped outside and felt some tension in his neck release when he got his nicotine fix. He finished his cigarette and stomped out the butt before heading back inside. Robin seemed a little skittish today, but he didn’t comment on it. She’d been kidnapped when she was younger, and sometimes being around people was overwhelming, although she was quite well-adjusted considering. Andrew met her in high school. She’d just been reintroduced to society and had a pretty horrible time of it. Andrew offered her his protection and she’d accepted. Her parents were so grateful to Andrew for taking Robin under his wing that they’d offered to start up this business for the two of them once Andrew finished college. 

Robin seemed stuck in thoughts as she wiped off the tables without really looking at them. 

“Are you going to the Center tonight for the Halloween thing?” Andrew asked, because he didn’t want her to get lost in her head so early in the day. She blinked and seemed to come back into herself.

“No. It’s… how many people?” she asked. He shrugged. “I think I’ll just stay home,” Robin said with a smile that was half genuine and half self-pitying. Andrew nodded. 

“I’ll steal you some candy,” Andrew said easily and headed to the back to finish his preparations. 

The day went by quickly and by the time Andrew pulled his apron off and grabbed his keys to lock up, he was exhausted. He only had an hour to rest before he was meeting up with Neil, so he made his way home and took a quick shower. He laid down on his couch to rest his feet a little and waited for Neil to come knocking. 

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but when the quick raps on the door startled him into consciousness, Andrew swung his fist out instinctively. His hand only met the back of the couch. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he made his way to the door. He opened the door to face the (literal) man of his dreams. 

“You ready?” Neil asked. He seemed excited. Or maybe nervous. It was hard to tell with him. Andrew nodded, grabbed his costume bag and keys and followed Neil out of the apartment and downstairs. 

They drove to Allison’s house, which Andrew had never been to. It was in a nice neighborhood, but it was by no means a mansion like he’d been expecting. It was a colonial style home with a well manicured lawn and a decorative autumn wreath on the door. 

Neil, who didn’t even bother knocking, led them inside.

“Ally! We’re here,” Neil called.

“In the kitchen,” Allison replied. They walked past a staircase and through an archway into a nicely renovated kitchen. Renee, Dan and Allison were all inside, Allison finishing Dan’s hair as she sat on a barstool. Renee was drinking sparkling water through a metal straw, and she smiled brightly at Andrew as he glanced her way. 

“I’m glad you could make it, Andrew,” Renee said with a smile.

Andrew nodded at her but didn’t reply.

“Should we get changed first or?” Neil wondered. Allison shook her head at him.

“Always get dressed last,” she said, as if he should know better. “That way you don’t risk getting makeup on your outfit.”

“Right,” Neil said with a confused look on his face. 

Allison finished Dan’s hair and began on Neil’s face. She didn’t do a full face of green makeup like Andrew’d been expecting. She instead gave him a more hollowed out look with some contouring and added cartoon-ish stitches along various parts of his face. Renee only had to add some dark circles under Andrew’s face and some fake blood drips around his mouth. The girls carried conversation easily, and the makeup was finished without incident. 

Allison, Dan and Renee headed upstairs to Allison’s room to put their costumes on so Neil and Andrew took turns in the guest bathroom putting theirs on. Andrew worried that Neil would be nervous after what happened the first time he tried his on, but Neil seemed unphased when he came out of the bathroom. He looked ghoulish, and if one knew the story of Frankenstien they would understand his lack of Hollywood-ified costume. Andew remembered reading Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein in school. He identified with the monster, how it had been created and then abandoned. By that point he’d met Tilda and was in the early stages of planning her accident. Andrew’s disconnect with his emotions had begun long before that, when suddenly Cass’ smile no longer lightened his heavy heart. Of course Andrew identified with the monster in ‘Frankenstein’. The creature who was given no name, much like Andrew ‘Doe’, and was cast out, unable to find happiness. Andrew never resented Aaron for being kept though, since he’d had a hard time as well. Andrew only wished Aaron had accepted Andrew when he had returned. 

“How do I look?” Neil asked, breaking Andrew away from his thoughts.

“Absolutely horrible,” Andrew said. Neil chuckled. 

“You look spooky,” Neil commented, coming closer to touch the ruffles on Andrew’s stupid Dracula-esque shirt. “The cape’s a bit much, but I should’ve known you had a flare for dramatics.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes at Neil. They were standing quite close, and Andrew could see every shade of icy blue in Neil’s eyes. 

“Maybe you should’ve been an alien instead. I can’t imagine why Dr. Frankenstein would make something as annoying as you,” Andrew said, because looking into Neil’s eyes without talking seemed like a horrible idea.

“Right,” Neil muttered, his eyes crinkling in amusement. “Aren’t you nervous that you’ll burst into flames around my sunny disposition? Being a vampire and all,” Neil said cheekily. 

Andrew inhaled sharply, unsure if he was reading this completely wrong or if Neil was actually  _ flirting  _ with him. Footsteps broke their spell and Neil leaned away to see the girl’s coming downstairs in their matching jumpsuits. 

“Is that a vacuum cleaner on you back?” Neil asked as Allison made her way over to them.

“No! Have you even seen ‘Ghostbusters’?” she asked in outrage.

“Nope,” Neil said.

“God, I pity you, you poor sweet summer child. One of these days, I will school you in pop culture. But not today, because we ought to be on our way. Let’s go!” Allison purred, pulling on Neil’s arm to lead him out the side door. The rest followed. As they loaded into their cars, Renee pulled Andrew aside.

“How are things with him?” she asked. Andrew didn’t need to ask to know she was talking about Neil.

“Fine,” he said simply. She nodded, but her eyes said he hadn't quelled her curiosity. 

Andrew got into his car and pulled off toward the community center with Neil in tow without another word.


	11. A Maze of Emotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corn maze, punch, and panic. Pretty much in that order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the lack of updates recently. I have no intention of abandoning this story, but I've been having some issues with my health lately (thankfully it's not covid), but it's made writing more of chore, as well as giving me some stress-induced writer's block. Good thoughts are appreciated! 
> 
> Also, feel free to message me on tumblr (neilstriker), I'd love to connect with more of you! 
> 
> TW for this chapter; panic attack, disordered eating thoughts

The community center looked much different than it had the last time Neil was there. There were decorations and spiderwebs covering every available space, for one. Neil followed Andrew to a corner of the basketball court where punch was being served. It was green, which didn’t look appetizing in the slightest. There was a label in front of the punch bowl that said  **Witch’s Brew.** Neil shook his head when Andrew looked to him, but Andrew poured one for himself. 

“What are we supposed to do now?” Neil asked as he watched Andrew take a drink of his punch. Neil had put a lot on energy into planning his costume for this event, but now that he was here, he didn’t have a clue what he was supposed to do.

“We can do the corn maze outside. Or go downstairs to the haunted house,” Andrew said after a moment. 

“Hmm. Corn maze?” Neil suggested. There was no doubt in Neil’s mind that the haunted house wouldn’t be scary at all since there were children in attendance. At least the corn maze may prove to be challenging.

Andrew nodded and they made their way back outside, where there were a few families taking their kids through the corn stalks that sat beyond the patch of grass beside the building. As they walked, Andrew’s arm brushed against Neil’s. Andrew didn’t pull away, so Neil didn’t either. The body heat emanating from Andrew’s arm felt nice, he thought absently.

“Minyard!” a male voice called gruffly from their right. Neil suppressed a flinch at the noise, but only barely. David Wymack was standing a few yards away, with Kevin and a tall woman Neil had never met. Kevin was dressed in some kind of Roman gladiator get up, and the girl at his side was unmistakably Cleopatra. Wymack wasn’t dressed up, but he had a black polo on, which was the most dressed up Neil had seen him. Andrew glanced in their direction but didn’t say anything so Neil didn’t either. Wymack jogged over to them.

“I never thought I’d see the day where Andrew willingly celebrated a holiday,” Wymack said with thinly veiled fondness. “We usually have to bribe him with alcohol to even show up.”

“Mind your pay grade, David,” Andrew said without looking at him. Neil didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but it sounded like a dismissal.

“It was good to see you again, Neil,” Wymack said before walking back over to his son. Andrew began heading in the direction of the maze entrance, so Neil followed silently. Once they entered the relative privacy of the corn stalks, Neil spoke.

“Who was that girl with Kevin?” Neil asked.

“Thea Muldani,” Andrew said, as if the name should mean something to him. Neil shrugged. “Kevin’s girlfriend,” Andrew elaborated.

“Oh. I can’t imagine him dating anyone,” Neil said. Neil had trouble imaging Kevin giving another human being undivided attention unless it was in competition form.

“She’s exactly like him. Except, perhaps more polite,” Andrew said with a wave of his hand. Neil huffed a little at that. The pair walked in silence for a while, still close enough to brush arms occasionally. Neil felt light, almost happy. It was like a movie, being able to experience Halloween in the most cliche public event he’d ever heard of. They walked aimlessly through the stalks, which were taller than both of them, although that wasn’t saying much. 

A few times, they came across other people, trying to find their way out of the maze, but no one said anything to Andrew. In fact, most people seemed to be avoiding him. That suited Neil fine. He didn’t much like talking to new people. He had Allison and Andrew, and their friends. That was more than enough for Neil. Although lately, Neil had been feeling like he was missing something. His eating habits had been worse than usual, but he had that under control. He was eating enough so that he wouldn’t pass out. It was an improvement. But maybe it didn’t have anything to do with that. Maybe Neil was missing his mother. No, that didn’t seem right either. Neil felt his arm brush with Andrew’s again, and something clicked. Andrew was gay. Neil wasn’t… anything. He wasn’t sure. Neil only knew that spending time with Andrew was the highlight of his day. Did that mean something?

Neil snuck a glance at Andrew as they turned another corner. He had fake blood on his mouth, but aside from that he looked the same. Short, blonde, broad shoulders. Shoulders Neil could lean on. 

“Neil!” Matt called from somewhere behind. Neil spun around and saw Matt and Dan walking up to them. Dan was in her ghostbuster costume, and Matt had a black shirt on it that said ‘Boo!’. It was what Allison would call a 'lazy costume’. 

“Hi,” Neil said.

“We are so lost, do you have any idea where the exit is? I gotta pee something fierce,” Dan said with a small laugh that had her shifting her feet back and forth urgently.

“Two lefts, a right, and walk toward the scarecrow. Then follow the winding path until you come to the fork. A right and you’ll be at the exit,” Andrew said robotically. Neil’s eyes widened. 

“Wow, thanks. We owe you one. By the way, we’re having an after-party at our new place. You guys should come. Allison can give you the address,” Matt said. 

“Matt, hurry up,” Dan said sheepishly, clearly struggling with the urge not to pee her pants.

“Right, see you guys!” Matt said as he and Dan went the way Andrew suggested. Neil turned back to Andrew with disbelief. 

“How do you know the way out?” Neil asked Andrew with only a note of annoyance. Andrew shrugged.

“I just retraced our steps backwards,” he said with nonchalance. 

“But how did you  _ remember?”  _ Neil pushed on.

“Good memory,” Andrew said. Neil continued looking at him until Andrew pushed Neil’s face away. 

“This must be boring for you then, if you already know how to find the exit,” Neil said once they got to walking again. 

“Not anymore boring than my life usually is,” Andrew said slowly. Neil didn’t know how to take that. 

They completed the maze in companionable silence, Andrew leading the way since Neil had no idea of the way out. Andrew continued leading them inside the community center. They made a beeline for a table with pizza boxes stacked, where Andrew immediately began making a plate. Neil hesitated, knowing that he should eat a small slice, but feeling happy and thin with his empty stomach. It was frustrating, knowing logically that his thoughts were distorted, untrue, but he felt as though eating a piece of greasy pizza would do something horrible to him. It’d make him take up more space, make him weak. It was all so confusing. All the while Neil was hesitating next to Andrew, Andrew had made two plates, not one. Neil blinked away an unwelcome wave of emotion when he realized Andrew had made him a plate consisting of a small slice of pizza and a few vegetables and fruit from the tray nearby. Andrew had even remembered that berries were his favorite, as the fruit largely consisted of blueberries and raspberries. 

“Eat,” Andrew said, pushing the plate into Neil’s hands. Neil smiled and did as he was told. Once he began eating, his thoughts cleared a bit, and he realized he was actually feeling hungry. That was a good sign, Betsy had said. While they stood picking at their plates, Aaron and Nicky walked up. 

“Neil! You look so spooky,” Nicky said with an infectious grin. Neil smiled and nodded, taking a bite of carrot to avoid replying. Nicky was dressed as a cat, with whiskers drawn on and some ears on his head. Another ‘lazy costume’ according to Allison. Neil was inclined to agree, considering the amount of time and effort he had put into his own costume. Aaron didn’t spare Neil a glance, but spoke to his brother.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Aaron asked. Aaron had on a lab coat and stethoscope, obviously dressed as a doctor. Unoriginal, Neil thought.

“No one’s stopping you,” Andrew said with a straight face. Neil snickered into his next bite of carrot. Aaron frowned.

“In private,” he said quietly. Andrew held his gaze for a long moment before tossing his empty plate into the garbage can and walking out towards an empty wall. Aaron followed after a huff and an eye roll.

That’s how Neil found himself in an awkward conversation with Nicky. 

“-and then I had to get my coworker Roland to help, because the guy was too drunk to even get into the cab we called for him,” Nicky said, laughing at his own bartender stories. Neil was partially zoned out, watching the tenseness of Andrew’s shoulders while Aaron talked quietly to him. 

“-so how did you?” Nicky was asking. 

“I’m sorry, what?” Neil said, coming back to his conversation with Nicky, which up until now, had been mainly one-sided.

“I said, I’m surprised Andew’s dressed up. He normally makes up some witty excuse to dress normally and we have to beg him to come. He seems to be here willingly, so how did that happen?” Nicky said with wide eyes that looked disgustingly hopeful. It was like Nicky was hoping Neil was going to somehow ‘fix’ his cousin. Neil didn’t know why Nicky thought Andrew needed fixing.

“I suggested we should dress up together,” Neil said with a shrug.

“But he actually did it. That’s what’s surprising. I suggest things to him all the time and he ignores me!”

Neil wasn’t the slightest bit surprised by that revelation. 

“He did say he wanted to dress up as a homicidal maniac or something, because they look like everybody else,” Neil said, remembering. Nicky started laughing, and Neil’s brows came together in confusion.

“Oh, of  _ course  _ he did. He’s always quoting movies. Sometimes they’re so obscure, I don’t even catch them until later,” Nicky explained with a fond smile. 

“Oh, that was from a movie?” Neil asked.

“That’s from  _ The Adams Family _ ,” Nicky said.

“Never saw it,” Neil said. Nicky seemed to accept that without argument, unlike Allison who would likely say something about how out of touch he was with pop culture. 

Andrew and Aaron seemed to finish their discussion, which mostly looked like Aaron speaking and Andrew listening, and Nicky followed Aaron outside with an apologetic glance to Neil and a wave to Andrew. 

“What was that about?” Neil asked when Andrew reappeared at Neil’s elbow.

“He’s trying to reconstruct burnt bridges,” Andrew said cryptically. Neil decided not to push it. 

“Punch?” Neil suggested, tossing his plate in the trash and walking toward the bowl. Neil poured them both a cup and took a hesitant sip. Even if it was green, it still tasted good. Fruity. Foamy. Not bad. 

Andrew reached into his pocket and pulled a pack of cigarettes out. He shook them at Neil in invitation, and Neil nodded. They walked outside with their punch and sat on the steps, right where they’d first met. This time, they were sitting considerably closer together though. Andrew lit two cigarettes and handed Neil one. 

“Thanks,” Neil said, holding his up to his face to enjoy the comforting smell. 

“Dude, your makeup looks so good!” a man Neil didn’t know said as he walked by. “Frankenstein, right? Or, I guess Frankenstein’s monster,” the guy laughed sheepishly. 

“Thank you,” Neil said, hoping this guy would leave so he wouldn’t ruin Neil’s good mood.

“Seriously, those prosthetics are so realistic looking. Totally awesome,” he said with a genuine smile as he finally walked on in the direction he’d been heading. 

Prosthetics. He wasn’t wearing anything but face paint. Neil shuddered and let out a shaky breath. Of course, his scaring would look intentional at a Halloween party. It was horror-movie worthy. And his face wasn't even the worst of it. Suddenly, Neil was in the car with Lola and the dashboard lighter. He felt the cuts on his right cheek and the burn of his left. The cigarette in his hand began to smell like burning flesh.

“Neil,” Andrew was saying low in his ear, but Neil heard it as though muffuled. Neil tried to take a breath, but it came more as a wheeze. He clenched his eyes shut. A soothing hand tightened on his neck and Neil felt his shoulders relax as he managed a proper breath. 

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” Neil muttered once he was able. He opened his eyes slowly. Andrew must have taken his cigarette, as his hands were balled tightly into fists at his knees. 

“Neil, where are you right now?” Andrew asked.

“Palmetto, South Carolina,” Neil gasped out. His breathing began to balance out. “I’m fine,” he muttered, more to himself. 

“Do you want me to take you home?” Andrew offered as he retracted his hand from Neils neck. 

“Can we just take a walk? I don’t wanna go yet,” Neil said, because the thought of facing his empty apartment was so much worse. 

“Okay,” Andrew agreed. 


	12. Why does my chest hurt?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally happening!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this update is worth the two month wait (I'm SO sorry about that). This has one of the scenes that I'd first imagined that inspired me to write this whole fic so uh I hope you guys like it. 
> 
> No TW's worth mentioning in this chapter (insane, I know. I'l make up for that next chapter I'm sure.)
> 
> Also just an update on my health situation, in case anyone cares, I found out I have some vitamin deficiancies which have been making me sick, so that's good news! Now I'll be able to treat that.   
> Anyways, I'll be back with more soon, I promise :)

Andrew texted Bee once Neil calmed down.

**A: Neil makes my chest hurt**

After a few minutes, she replied.

**B: Sometimes that happens when you care about someone. Is he with you now?**

**A: He’s with me**

Andrew purposely ignored the first half of her reply.

**B: I know you don’t want to admit you’re fond of him, but I think it’d make your chest feel better if you did.**

**A: I’m not fond, I hate him. He just happens to be interesting. There’s a difference, Bee.**

**B: That just means you care enough to hate him. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.**

Andrew left that message unanswered.

* * *

Dan and Matt’s place was nice. A little on the small side, but nicely updated. Andrew drove Neil and himself there at Neil’s insistence that he was ‘fine’ after his panic attack. Andrew would have pressed the issue, but Neil did that  _ thing  _ with his eyes that made Andrew powerless to resist. So that’s how Andrew ended up at the Boyd-Wilds residence. 

Andrew claimed a corner of a couch next to Renee, who had graciously made him a drink. He sat back, sipping jungle juice while his eyes tracked Neil as he and Allison made their way around the room. It was odd,how easily Andrew’s protective instincts returned. Andrew quit acting on such instincts once he and Aaron had graduated, but Andrew still felt them. He had to actively quelled the urge to rip Aaron from Katelyn’s grasp every time they were touching. But this, what he was feeling about Neil, was different. It wasn’t like he was watching Neil now to make sure he wasn’t going to be hurt. He was watching him because it made him feel good to look at Neil, smiling with an arm wrapped around Allison’s. Andrew knew he wouldn’t hesitate to leap into action if Neil was in danger, but he also knew that Neil knew human cruelty like not many did. Neil didn’t necessarily need protecting; he’d obviously been able to survive this long for a reason. The brutal scars on his face and arms were pretty solid proof of that. So that left Andrew with an uncomfortable feeling of fullness in his chest. 

“You like him,” Renee said, not unkindly when she caught his gaze. Andrew didn’t like the knowing glance she slid his way as she spoke.

“I hate him.” He felt repetitive, continuing to use that response when it was so clearly only half of the equation.

“You hate how vulnerable he makes you,” Renee said quietly. She was smiling sweetly, and God if that didn’t make Andrew want to punch her. He’d have to wait until later in the week to get the chance. 

Instead of continuing a conversation that would inevitably make him angry at Renee, Andrew thought instead of Aaron who had already made him angry tonight. Aaron, who always criticizes Andrew for his rejection of Katelyn, but never ceases to bring up Andrew’s connection to Neil. As if the two are comparable. Well they aren’t, because one is an unrequited crush and the other is a healthy relationship. Andrew isn’t blind, he knows that Katelyn makes Aaron happy. He knows she’s nothing like Tilda was to Aaron. But Andrew also knows that Aaron has never asked Andrew to do anything other than leave her alone. So he does, and if Aaron insists on being with her all the time, then he’ll leave Aaron alone too. Aaron can’t have it both ways.

Andrew sat in sullen silence until Neil walked up.

“My face is itchy."Neil was alone; Allison must’ve gone into the kitchen where Dan was making pizza rolls. 

Andrew didn’t reply, just raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement. 

“I want to take my makeup off. Dan has wipes I guess,” Neil said. He was looking down at Andrew in  _ that way  _ again. Andrew’s heart involuntarily began beating faster. “Do you want to take yours off too?”

“Okay,” Andrew nodded. He passed his drink to Renee to hold. She gave him a look that said,  _ you like him so much.  _ Andrew squinted at her in disdain until she smiled. He stood and followed Neil into the hall bathroom, where Neil began opening the medicine cabinet. Andrew purposely left the bathroom door open. He didn’t like enclosing people in small spaces, as it’s something that would make Andrew uncomfortable. 

“How did you and Renee become friends? Here,” Neil passed Andrew a wipe. Andrew watched Neil begin wiping the face paint off of his cheeks, revealing the knot of burns under his left eye. Neil wasn’t looking at the mirror, but at Andrew.

“You should talk to her. You probably have more in common with her than you realize,” Andrew said instead of answering, because he needed to prove to himself that he in fact wouldn’t give Neil anything he asked for. Neil scoffed a little, but his eyes were crinkled into a smile even if his mouth didn’t get the memo. 

“I’m not stupid. She’s not the devout Christian she says she is. And you’re deflecting,” Neil said with a smirk that was so attractive, Andrew had to peel his eyes away before he did something stupid. Andrew began wiping the red blood drips from his mouth instead of answering. 

“She’s like me. Like you,” Andrew relented.."She’s reinvented herself, but I know who she really is. And I think you do too. That’s why you don’t like talking to her,” Andrew said once he’d finished cleaning his face. The residue from the makeup wipe left his face shiny. 

“I don’t dislike talking to her,” Neil began, but Andrew interrupted.

“Don’t lie to me, Pinnochio. You’re missing spots,” Andrew pointed out. Neil still wasn’t looking in the mirror. Andrew remembered the sheet over Neil’s bathroom mirror. “Let me.” Andrew pulled a new wipe out of the pack while Neil deflated and stepped closer to Andrew.

Andrew’s hands were light, but not gentle as they ran the wipe over Neil’s face. The grooves of his jaw, his nose, the little bits that clung near his ears. When he was finished, Andrew dropped the wipe into the trashcan. Neil didn’t step away like Andrew thought he would. Instead, he was standing closer. Ice blue eyes slanted down, taking Andrew’s breath from his lungs. And, was Neil looking at Andrew’s lips? 

Without thinking, Andrew was suddenly pulling Neil’s neck down and smashing into his lips. 

Neil melted into the kiss. He was inexperienced, but Andrew didn’t mind. Neil stayed still under Andrew’s hand. His lips worked slowly, teasing Neil’s until they opened. Andrew was  _ kissing  _ Neil. He couldn’t believe it. For a moment he wondered if this was some kind of elaborate hallucination. But then, reality hit. He was kissing Neil.

Neil. Neil who didn’t swing. 

Andrew abruptly pushed Neil away. 

Neil’s eyes had a hazy quality to them, soft looking and sweet. His lips were the color of raspberries.

“Andrew-,” Neil began, coming forward for another kiss. Andrew stepped away and placed a hand flat onto Neil’s chest. 

“No,” he said, and he was annoyed at the flare of emotion that showed in the word.

“What? Why?” Neil asked. Andrew exhaled.

“You don’t swing,” Andrew said intently. Realization seemed to dawn into Neil’s eyes.

“Right. Yeah, I never have,” Neil agreed. Andrew nodded. He knew this, so why did it hurt to hear?

“This isn’t what you want,” Andrew said, and promptly walked out of the bathroom. He didn’t stop here, but went right out the front door. There, he let the cool night air wash over him as he lit a cigarette. 

His phone was in his hand before he even realized what he was doing.

Bee answered on the first ring.


	13. It's Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil tries to figure out what went wrong with Andrew. + some Aaron/Neil bonding? Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know last chapter was a lil angsty, and this is more so. But don't fret! Fluff is coming!!! 
> 
> TW: disorded thoughts about body image/food & rape

Neil wasn’t good at emotions. He was good at reading the important ones, like anger, disdain, or pity. But he wasn’t good at the other ones, and even if he were, Andrew was incredibly hard to read. 

So when Andrew kissed Neil, Neil was confused. He’d only ever kissed girls, and not many. But none of those girls had been Andrew. It felt different. Better. He’d just begun getting into it, leaning in and opening his lips to feel  _ more.  _ To feel  _ Andrew,  _ when Andrew’d pulled away. 

It was like his head was being dunked into cold water. Andrew liked him. And Neil thought maybe… he liked Andrew too. But Andrew hadn’t given him a chance to think about it. He’d just left. Neil got a ride home from Allison. He slept, he didn’t eat. He felt sick just thinking about food. So he wrapped his arms around his empty stomach and was dissatisfied at how big it felt. He could feel his hip bones, his ribs, but it was all too big. Too much. 

He fell asleep after a while and dreamt of his father saying, “You’re nothing. You’ll never be anyone Nathaniel. No one will ever remember you.” 

Neil woke up feeling like he was missing something. Something sort of obvious. Something to do with Andrew, but he couldn’t pin down what it was. 

He went for a run, like he did every day, and he ignored the ache in his stomach and the spots in his vision. 

After a few miles, he went to Palmetto Bakery. 

Robin smiled at the counter and went back to get Andrew. And it all felt like how it normally does. Somehow it didn’t put Neil at ease. Because he realized he  _ wanted _ it to feel different.  _ He didn’t want his kiss with Andrew to mean nothing. _

“You’re here,” Neil said when Andrew made his way up to the counter. Andrew had on his armbands and a black apron, both of which were covered in flour. 

“I work here, if you recall,” Andrew said, because of course he would. Neil blinked back stars that were beginning to cloud his vision. He was feeling quite light headed. Neil leaned his arms onto the counter and tried to play it off like he felt fine. 

But when he blinkedー at least it felt like a blink, but it could’ve been longer than that with how his vision was swayingー Andrew was next to him shoving a coffee and a cheese danish at him. Neil knew better than to argue, so he smiled sheepishly and took the offerings. 

It was all very normal. 

Neil hated it.

* * *

There wasn’t much Neil could figure out on his own, despite all of the small truths Andrew had given him. He needed answers elsewhere. Neil walked up to the unfamiliar townhouse, double checking the address Nicky had sent him to make sure he was at the right place. He was. Once at the stoop, Neil rang the bell before he could change his mind. 

Thankfully, Aaron answered the door. Neil wouldn’t have known what to say if Katelyn answered the bell. Aaron was scowling, as usual. He didn’t say anything, presumably waiting for Neil to explain his presence.

“I have to talk to you about something.”

Aaron’s face didn’t change. Neil wondered if that was something genetic between the twins, that physical manifestation of stubbornness. 

“It’s about Andrew,” Neil continued. Aaron’s scowl slipped then, and he looked merely confused. “Nicky gave me the address.”

“Of-fucking-course he did,” Aaron muttered, widening the door and stepping aside. “I guess you can come inside.”

So Neil did.

The townhouse was nice for two people who were in graduate school. Neil attributed most of the fluffy pillows and rose gold fixtures to Katelyn’s touch, as Aaron hardly seemed the type. Aaron didn’t offer Neil a drink or anything, but they sat down together in the living room. 

“Well,” Aaron prompted. There seemed to be notes strewn about the coffee table, and Neil realized he’d probably interrupted Aaron’s studying. Neil couldn’t find it in him to care.

“What’s the deal with you and Andrew?” Neil asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Come on,” Neil said. “You’re identical twins and yet you can’t stand each other. It’s not all because of Katelyn. Is it because of what he did to your mother?” Aaron blanched.

“Don't act like you know anything about that,” he snarled.

“I’m not, that’s why I’m asking. I think there’s more to it.” Neil stared down at his hands briefly before looking back up. “Andrew can’t let you go, and I want to know why.” Aaron clenched his teeth, but Neil continued unphased. “If you think he doesn’t care about you, you’re an even bigger idiot than I took you for.” 

Neil didn’t pull punches. It was easy, the words pouring out and fixating on all available sore spots Neil could find on Aaron. Neil's always had a way with words. 

Aaron laughed. “He doesn’t care about me. You want to know the big secret? I hardly know Andrew. My mom gave him up. Then Nicky’s fucked up dad forced her to take Andrew in after he got out of juvie. He hated her, and he killed her the first chance he got.” Aaron’s anger was obvious, but it didn’t deter Neil from pushing harder. Neil remembered Renee saying that Andrew must’ve had a good reason for killing his mother. There was more to it, clearly. Katelyn was part of it, and Neil’s mind whirled trying to find the missing thread. Then it struck him.

“You think Andrew doesn’t care? Why else would he have tried to keep you away from Katelyn? Your mom was abusive, wasn’t she?” The way Aaron sucked in a breath told Neil he’d hit the nerve he’d been looking for. “Trust me, I know about abusive moms. You loved her despite it all, right? Andrew didn’t trust you to pick someone to love you right. Andrew didn’t want you to be hurt again, that’s why he didn’t let you be with Katelyn. But instead of talking to him, you assumed he was the monster everyone says he is.”

“I don’t think he’s a monster,” Aaron said defensively.

“No? Your actions seem to indicate otherwise,” Neil pressed. This seemed to fire Aaron up again. He stood up, eyes fiery.

“You have no fucking _ clue,  _ do you? I’ve fought for Andrew harder than anyone! I  _ killed _ for him!” 

And _ there _ it was; the thing Neil was missing. 

“Who did you kill?” Neil asked, knowing this was it. There was something that’d happened, something that made Andrew run away from Neil after they’d kissed. It was right here. He just needed Aaron to tell him. 

Aaron seemed shocked at his own outburst. “It’s not-, I don’t…It’s not your business.” 

Neil nodded. “Just remember that feeling. That’s the same protective instinct Andrew felt when he killed your mother.”

* * *

Neil knew that the murder, even if it was manslaughter, would only be a Google search away, so he’d left Aaron’s and headed to the library. On a community computer, he searched ‘Aaron Minyard’, and immediately, articles about the case filled the screen.

Aaron had murdered Drake Spear, Andrew’s foster brother from the last foster home he’d been in. Drake Spear was a serial rapist. And suddenly, everything made perfect sense.

* * *

Neil knocked softly on Andrew’s door. After a few moments, the door pulled open. Andrew looked as he normally did, but Neil began to see him differently. His apathetic face wasn’t just an indication of poor mental health anymore; it was a result of trauma. And boy, did Neil know about trauma. 

“Hey.”

Andrew didn’t reply, but didn’t object when Neil walked past him into the apartment. The door closed behind him. 

“I owe you some truths,” Neil said, following Andrew into the kitchen, where something was cooking. It smelled great. For once, Neil wasn’t thinking about his stomach when he smelled the food. Andrew stirred something on the stove and checked the oven.

“You do?” Andrew said. Neil nodded even though Andrew wasn’t looking at him. “I know,” Andrew said after a beat. “Aaron called. Said you were snooping about, asking about me.” Neil felt his cheeks heat.

“Yeah. Well, I wanted to figure out what you’d been hiding. Why you left on Saturday.”  _ After we kissed  _ was left unsaid. 

“And did you?” Andrew said nonchalantly, but Neil could see the tense set of his shoulders.

“I think I did,” Neil said quietly. Andrew nodded but didn’t say anything. “You thought I didn’t want you to kiss me? That you were forcing me?” 

Andrew went completely still for a moment. Then, faster than Neil had expected, Andrew turned to him and placed a hand at the base of Neil’s neck, holding him there. 

“Wasn’t I?” Andrew asked stiffly. His golden eyes shone bright despite the fluorescent overhead light. 

“No,” Neil exhaled. “No, Andrew… When I said I didn’t swing, I meant it. I wasn’t allowed…” He swallowed. “It was never worth my mom’s rage. I stopped being interested… until you,” Neil said. His voice sounded soft to his ears. Andrew’s eyes scanned his face, likely looking for lies, so Neil met his gaze willingly. It felt terrifying and vulnerable, but he let honestly pour out into his expression. 

“Tell me no,” Andrew said leaning in. 

“Andrew,” Neil breathed. “It’s yes.” 


	14. I'm in trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLuff!! As fluffly as andreil can get basically, that's the chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating, I don't have an excuse except that my motivation left the chat. 
> 
> TW: scars, unhealthy thinness, mentions of Drake.

A few years ago, Andrew wouldn’t have been ready to do any of this. If he’d met Neil in college, he would’ve gone slow, and Neil would’ve undoubtedly respected Andrew’s boundaries. Andrew knows that. But now, he didn’t feel a bit of panic laying Neil down on his bed. Andrew let Neil’s hands rest on his shoulders. It was easy, to allow that kind of touch. Roland had gotten much better at keeping his hands to himself after Drake’s death. As a result, Andrew had felt able to test his own boundaries. He still didn’t let anyone sleep near him (he would probably wake up and punch them square in the face if they moved in the night). He didn’t particularly like being touched; he was much more comfortable touching another body. 

Andrew wasn’t gentle, but he wasn’t rough either. He could feel Neil’s excitement under his palm. Neil sighed into the kiss, tilting his head to the side to deepen it. Andrew’s other hand locked itself into his hair.

Andrew pulled back, looking into Neil’s eyes. They were wide and hazy, pupils blown wide and only showing a sliver of blue around the edges. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, tugging on the bottom of Neil’s shirt.

Neil began to nod before hesitating. His cheeks blushed a little before he spoke and his eyes left Andrew’s to stare at the wall.

“Yes, but um… Can we turn the light off?” Neil asked. Andrew blinked. He pulled his and away from Neil’s shirt.

“Why?” he replied flatly.

Neil smiled shakily. “You don’t want to see this, trust me,” Neil said as he waved a hand toward his torso. 

“I’ve seen your arms,” Andrew reminded him. Honestly, Andrew expected the scars to continue; he’d seen hints of them on his collarbones sometimes when his shirts slid down over his bony frame. 

“I- It’s not just the scars,” Neil began, squirming a little, begging for some friction where Andrew’s hand still rested on Neil’s jeans. Andrew pulled his hand away, causing Neil to scowl. 

“I’ll turn it off,” Andrew relented after a twenty-second stand off. 

He pulled off the bed to cross the room and hit the light switch. The room wasn’t entirely dark, as some golden hues came through the partially-open blinds. It was enough to see Neil sag in relief. Andrew hadn’t ever felt self-conscious. How he looked wasn’t ever relevant. But, sometimes he wondered what Andrew looked like to Neil. If he was attractive at all, or if Neil was just interested in him for his not-so-sunny disposition. 

As soon as he was back on the bed, Neil pulled Andrew’s face in for a kiss. Andrew tugged again at Neil’s shirt, and Neil pulled back to help Andrew pull it off.

“I know it’s not pretty,” Neil started. Andrew kissed him again. 

“Can I?” Andrew asked, pulling back only a little so that their forehead were nearly touching. His hand hovered by Neil’s shoulder.

“Yes,” Neil whispered. 

Andrew allowed Neil to pull him back in for another kiss. Andrew felt Neil’s skin, trailing lightly over every ridge and dip of his shoulder and chest. He wished he could see it. The skin felt more textured than he’d even thought. Andrew’s hand moved over his stomach then, and Neil whimpered a little into Andrew’s mouth. It was nearly concave, that’s how thin Neil was getting. Ribs stuck out, covered in bumpy skin. 

“Are you going to tell me where you got these?” Andrew asked, touching a patch of ruined skin. That part looked like it had been rubbed off, maybe from jumping out of a car and being dragged across the pavement. Up higher, there were crossed lines that looked like knife wounds. With the little light available, he could see that the dip by Neil’s shoulder was a bullet wound. On his other shoulder, there was a clear outline of an iron. Andrew swallowed down his anger, made sure his face remained impassive. 

“My FBI agent probably wouldn’t be happy, but I’ll tell you sometime,” Neil said softly. He leaned up again, and Andrew expected another kiss, but instead Neil’s lips locked themselves to Andrew’s neck. Neil pecked a little, then kissed a little wetly along Andrew’s neck and jawline. A shudder ripped through him before Andrew could stop it. Neil looked extremely pleased with himself. In retaliation, Andrew caught Neil’s hands and pulled them above his head.

“Stay,” he instructed Neil. All thoughts of Neil’s past flew out of Andrew’s head when Neil let Andrew between his legs. 

* * *

Neil had a stupid, dopey look on his face when Andrew fell on his back next to Neil. Andrew pushed his face away with one pointer finger. Neil let out a breathless laugh. 

“That was…” Neil began. 

“Don’t talk,” Andrew said. He felt good, which was new. Usually after sex he wanted to be alone. He always left Roland immediately after, but he didn’t feel that need with Neil. He wanted to pull Neil back out into the kitchen and cook him something. As if on cue, Neil’s stomach rumbled. Because, right, Neil’s brain tells him to starve himself. Andrew sat up and pulled his shirt back on. He threw Neil’s at him.

“Come on, I’ll finish making us dinner,” Andrew said. His voice sounded wrecked to his own ears, all gravelly and freshly-fucked. For the first time in about ten years, he felt the urge to smile. He resisted it. 

Neil followed Andrew out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Andrew was putting the heat back on for the tomato sauce he’d been making before Neil had shown up and thoroughly distracted him. His plan to make gnocchi was sidelined for another day, and he grabbed dry penne instead. He filled a pot with water and salt, and turned the heat up. 

“So,” Neil said in that annoying way he had. “That was… good. Very good,” he said dumbly.

Andrew said nothing. He’d been very careful as to not rush any of the prep. He knew how bad that could feel. Neil wasn’t even walking funny. 

Andrew started cutting cucumbers and tomatoes for a salad just so he would have something to do with his hands. He feared if he looked Neil in the eye, he would do something stupid like kiss him again. 

“Put on something for us to watch while we eat,” he instructed instead. He heard Neil release a puff of breath that might’ve been a laugh or a scoff, before he did as Andrew asked and made his way to the couch. 

Andrew let out a breath. He wanted to call Bee. He wanted to spar with Renee. But mostly, he wanted to have sex with Neil again. And maybe one more time for good measure. Instead, he popped some bread in the oven to have with their pasta. 

* * *

They watched  _ My Lottery Dream Home  _ on HGTV. Neil had an opinion on every house, and he critiqued everything from the landscaping, to the countertops, to the paint colors. It felt very much like it had always felt, eating dinner with Neil. Casual. Except Neil was sitting closer to Andrew than he usually sat, and their thighs were touching. And when Neil was getting ready to leave, he kissed Andrew right on the mouth. It was soft and wet and all Andrew could think was  _ I’m in trouble.  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is unbeta'd so any mistakes are my own! Thank you for reading!


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